Monday, June 30, 2008

its hard to explain but easy if you try

i wish everything wasent happeneing. i hate being the crying person you dont know what to say anything to, becuase that in its self just makes me feel more alone, id rather just have people sit with me. its hard. i cant do it on my own. i dont want to cry. i dont want to make things akward. i dont want to party tomorow night. its more than one thing thats stressfull. i woke up at 6 am, from a tired, but im awake. i cant explain whats going on inside here, but its way to deep. never ever could i forget any of this.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

im dirty i look strung out. i havent slept in a awhile. my eyes weer fully dialated today. i still am sick over this, im going to be in troubble for the van.... i didnt even want to go out today. i wish they would leave me alone. i wanted to be at home.
oh well. my eyes are so tired.

im still not right

Saturday, June 28, 2008

tell me that you'll open your eyes

today.. ive been up for 22 hours. ive got nothing, nothing to say and ive run out of people and time. i dont even know what to do. ive dryed the well so many times i cant even cry. im not sure if going to tims tonight was very smart. but i had to get away and try to not just think about it. i never thought this would happen tonight. this morning started off good, except for work calling. i dont even know what to do. then i went on what was called a hangout but was more like a date. i dont know if i can. im so draned and tired, i just cant put on a happy face right now. i almost came to the point where i didnt know what was going on and i was going to loose you. some people just dont understand. my eyes hurt and i just drove an hour home. im beside myself and it dosent fell like anything right now other than a ball of worry. i wish. i hope. i dream. and i never wanted my last words to be those ones.

all of this feels strange and untrue

i want you to open your eyes

Thursday, June 26, 2008


im not to sure whats going to happen. only time will tell and then i will know tomorow


Wednesday, June 25, 2008

while were on the subject could we change the subject now

i know its not midnigt yet but i couldnt wait. not that i have much to say.
im afaid and tired

honey on my D key

im more confused than ever i think. i dont know who to evealuate. somehow i did some of the things i vowed not to do, but i guess lifes not as easy as i thiught it could be. my bangs keep doing funny things, but ive got to leave for work in nine minutes. im tired, when will i get a good nights sleep. someone got honey on my D keys and it was sticky for a while. i guess im not as akward as i said i was on the phone. im being tugged in two diffrent dircetions, and i dont want to hurt the ne that means most. everything looks perfect from outerspace. the name thing is still werid i think of one person when i hear it not two. beaseball tonight. ughhhh im sick of loosing.

Monday, June 23, 2008

nervious wreck

i was so surprised when it came down to it. i am so insecure about it and i didnt realize it untill i said it. all of a sudden i needed reasurance. ive never ever needed that before. but now all of a usdden i dont think i need it. the truth is if someone dosent want me becuase i said oen thing but they perceve it to be another then that is their problem. i wish i could belive what i just said. im not going to be one of those girls. or at least i hope not. what what the fuck am i doing.

its permanet

there is something strange about thinking. i evaluate over and over but the problems dont subside. ever since i stopped going to therapy when i left school, i think i used this place to do the same thing. its not that i didnt want to go anymore ts just i was done school. when we fixed all those things i think it just osrt of made the real problems emerge. im afraid to love someone becuase im afraid they might never love me back. ive got to stop what if'ing everything and just live for here and the future. id like to make music but i cant ever figure the songs out. they are all bunched together and are about five different people and stories. im afraid that if i fail i fail for real. ive never wanted this more, but the more i do the worse these things get. you see i cant have aht i want becuase i dont really want it. if i did i would have done something about it ages ago. im sick of sitting in cars having late night conversatons about things that wont ever happen. im probably the hardst person to deal with. im pushing. and its working. most things make compleet sense afterward. the only downfall to that is that things have to be over for me to get it.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

i love Brittany

Brittany is the light of my life. i wish nothing more than to forever please her. Brittany, please accept my love.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

ive been supressing this for a while

its ten minutes to midnight and time flys past. i see those movie scenes alot now. the times in my life that would be in the movie.i cant waste tears on this. for all the times i dont cry i cry over the sillyest things. id like to get over it.

Well I made my way back down to the valley
Right on past 83rd street
That's where we once belonged
But I’m gone
I swear I’m long gone

So give it up, throw your hats in the air
And change is as you ladies say
"We'll get out of here"
Something tells me that you’re too scared to go

So the stairs that you could climb
Are the ones you’ve left behind
And your eyes light up when we talk about the past
God, I miss those songs we used to sing
Talking like getting away would be the greatest thing
Well me, I got out,
And you, you kept singing to me
Like that's really going to set this free

So give it up, throw your hats in the air
And change just as they land
You’re saying, "We'll get out of here"
Something tells me that you’re too scared to go

Like a ghost
You’ve been haunting all these dusty old roads and old homes
The ones we swore we'd never go, oh oh

As for Joe
Oh I’ve seen him around
Then there’s Adam
He’s afraid to go out
I don’t blame him, I just wanted to go out to eat

Then there’s Mark
God damn, I wish him the best
We were kids back then, as if we could progress
Sometimes I, I just can’t sleep
Thinking of everything we could have been

So give it up, throw your hats in the air
And change just as they land
You’re saying, "We'll get out of here"
Something tells me that you’re too scared to go

So give it up, throw your hats in the air
And change just as they land
You’re saying, "We'll get out of here"
Something tells me that you’re too scared to go

its my fate and ive made a choice. ivenever had alot of stability in people. i think telling people makes it more real, which helps. that is the case for alot of things.
id like to think things could be diffrent. but not in that way, i love certian things and the way they happen and have happened. if only you could be here in my brain. then youd get what i mean. i feel like ive been losing things, allong the not bitter, its just i passed that point in life.

We talked all night,
About everything you could imagine,
'Cause come the morning, I'll be gone,
And as our eyes start to close,
I turn to you and I let you know,

id have to be alot better and funnyer to have my own movie.
please set me free from this hurt.

it stung like a violet wind that our memorys depend on faulty camera in our in minds

time has passed. and finnaly i fit. sour though, i dont know how to deal with ceritan things or how to interpritatethem, im just not going to. things get to be simpler that way. im tired. extreem bowling was sweaty, and like last summer but i get to work. oh that lovley place. just dont read into it, thats all i have to do to keep it out of my mind. the fans on agaib ecuase its too hot without it. rod and scary areleaving in less then a month and im going to miss kirsten and spencer. another two years, they will be comming back to me being almst done my 3rd year. i cant wait to sleep, todays been a long day. i have aot to get done. hatever, summers half way done. soon its going to be september and school and moving again. ahh moving. at least now its decided. i miss seeing corey and maggie everyday. i miss like ditching our homework to go to the movies insetad, and zombies, and being the only one in the theaters, and walking home. and making videos. and eatting dinner together everynight. i miss them. i love the fall more than the summer time. fuck it im taking 2 weeks ff in agugust. i need it.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

imagine, its easy if you try

ive gien up on being mad about it. its not the way to live a life. its not what people say its what they do that shows how much they care. and i care alot. ive cared about all of you. ive cared alot, and its not about receving for me. id rather spend al my money on making other people happy, then saving it all for things for me. i love going to hte beach and sitting on the sand and getting wet and dirty in old clothes. i dont mind being poor but happy in this life. i want to learn how to sea cyacking this summer and go to a baseball game and go camping. people are perfect, and hell if im even close. ive got nothing but smiles for everything. sometimes im really afraid, that i dont know what im doing or where im going. if i talked about you now it would only give you the satisfaction. ill remeber these things. somehow when i die i want whoever it is to play in my life. i think it sums up me alot. i dont think its morbid thinking of wen you die, becuase see im not afraid to leave, but im afraid of being the one left behind. becuase im my life ive loved you more.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

all the pain you hide from me everyday

my face is terryfying. borderline everything. i cant tell, and i shouldnt. today was a busy one, alot of ocean and buildings and pictures, and old people and brittish blethering room tea rooms, and high tea. god the ammount of old people, tomorow;s going to a bit worse than today, at least shopping can be involved. oooooooooo i cant think, and im mad. fuck you too, and your not caring ways, and fuck you too for never letting me know and then calling me when you want to. please dont pretend to give half a shit in my life. ive spent two weeks thinking about this. im done. all i can see are dark grey cluds moving closer with each comming hour. every thing is wrog but we cant talk about it now. yeah you are beautiful but you dont mean a thing to me. classic. i really do want all the things i lost, but maybe now its better they are gone. no matter what happens i keep getting roped back in and as much as i know its bad it still feels ok. when your apologies failt to come threw, phrases like i thought you knew. in the end i win every time. tracing the plot lines. abesnce follows. you lack color and that hurt made you abrasive. i cant wait to go home. my brain knows better

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

you are my sweetest downfall

french cafes and long farry rides with too many people and alot of brittan's , i almost say'd brittanys. maple cookies, and margiritas make the day full. i gave up on trying. i think joe is sleeping. all in all day one is ok excet how i fell asleep in the van that was horibel

Monday, June 16, 2008

Its only time my fair weathered friend

my light keeps doing strange things. i cant sleep but im so tired. im tired in alot of ways. im tired of trying. im tired of calling people tht sont call back, im tired of fending off hurt. im just tired of pulling strings. i cant say im not happy right now im just tired, i dont sleep enough well i work more than i get to sleep in a day. the other night was part of my movie, it was like idk perfect setting, like how no matter what happens for right now we can return to eachother. the more i come to one side i drift from another, im tired of singular friendships, and writing on cakes, and things never being good enough. maybe that horrible woman in the burgandy leather jacket was right, but not for the reason she had. fuck her stupd cards. i guess even under my happyness their is this upset thing i cant control. i hate her and her 8 am grocerys. ive been creeping and ive discovered an ugly truth about things i didnt know. i bet somewhere else their is someone to replace me on top friends eventually. im only somewhat cool untill you know what goes on underneath the surface i guess. the problem with this journal is that i feel invaded. their are a few thngs id like to put on here but regret to. its still the last, and i like the way my clothes smelt after they were on you. i guess im guilty of that. reality must be distorted. in other news.... i guess you didnt care as much as you said you did. thats a disapointing fact about life.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

i lost you somewhere on this dirty path. and now im too tired.

youve got me begging you for mercy, why wount you releace me.

ughhhhhhh i fucking hate how they screw e with hours, fucking june shes so nice untill she gives you the new schedual. my throat hurts, i need more water at night and less coffee. id love to just go back to bed, i actually dont even have time to be writing this but whatever screw eating, i can do that on my break. ive got a huge bruse on my leg and i dont know what ts from. i bet berreta is going to screw me over this afternoon.ugh. alot. i hate berretia. i hate alot of things in life but she goes out of her way to mess me up. i dont want to be sick>< no sick, fucking safeway. i love that song mercy, idk why. two more days, you can do it sydney. ugh. i dont want to do this.

Friday, June 13, 2008

i cant say i didnt see it in the making

its hard. when you think one way but then you get sent in another, what missy said is true, we suck, and i do too i guess. somehow i wish i was so wrong. and that you would hit my windows with candy again. becuase i was wanted. i havent cryed in a along time, and over this is stupid. its part of me wanting the past now. it actually took alot to stay sober. and that is terrifying. i think the only reason my body wants to is so that no matter what happens i cant leave. i really do need to find something new. i want to tune out. i want to tune out for a long time. and not care, i wish i could not care

Thursday, June 12, 2008

im going to the land where no one knows my name

i transition from knowing everything to not knowing nothing at all. he beauty in life seems to be fading. every day feels like a Sunday lately. somehow i gathered a bunch of insecurity's that all come out at once. waves. i want to go to the beach again soon. but soon is Victoria and all the drama that will go with it. i need to find something a something that is unknown. i want it to be dark... maybe then i can dissapear with all things i wish would. i dont like this, and i want to go, to get out, i need out. the tides in lifes fucked up i cant go to a tide in beach

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

ive just got to lt it go

i can make up my own lyrics to this perfect song

today was a movie, i say im not in the months later part anymore.

the beach was perfect, not sunny at all and no one was their, it was much to early whch was also good. i cant even explain it. perfection in the least sense

gas is intense, i cant deal. fucking eighty dollars in 3 days. and it wasent even that much, i need a better rec car.

things are almost healed.

i cant contemplate ceritan things or why people do the things they do, but the cold was nice. i enjoyed the drive.

im still hurt. i dont think anythng could fix it by now, ive let to let it go. it only means it can sting sometimes

Monday, June 9, 2008

managers override to checkstand life

some one told me their was a person waiting out their. a taste of bittersweet. i love and hate it. its not as hard as it seems. the truth is hard to over ride. im not every thing i wish i could be. no more bouncing ideas. ive gone singular in this. its like i have a handful of sand but its slowly leaking out and everytime i check their is less and less sand left. it dosent feel like a sunday night. its cold yet again in here. i cant wrtie any music to let this out. right ow i cant think of anything. i just need a rest from this. im starting to get streched too thin. too many people. i dont kwow what to do because for the first time in a ahiel i let someone know that you actually are the worst of them all. and its true.

in stranger times ive had more secrets. ive almost lost my mind. i cant ever sleep anymore. i have so much to say but im still afraid. i wish i was a better person. have i really changed that much? i always think back to a year from now. ever since april.
i love the dumb and dumber dynamic, and that i had to be the driver tonight of all, it was fine. all night dinners seem to be the place i eat dinner at midnight. ill take you on a moonlight ride.i try to picture my life diffrently and it just dosent work out. many plans made and like 15 percent follow up on them. im so cold. i think its more the tiredness than the actual tempature. my tattoo is taking forever o heal and it dtil feels like a bitch. ive gt this wonderful scabb on it now.

its definatey time to move on. i wish i could understand islandic, life would be easyer.

this is my ink blot test result how surprising

Sydney, your subconscious mind is driven most by Love

Your instinct to love and be loved is rooted very deeply in your subconscious and affects most of the decisions you make in life — whether you are aware of it or not.

You inspire people to experience their true feelings of love and act kindly towards others. You also value your personal relationships more than most people.

Your unique capacity to love may be greater than those around you, which means you may have more to give in relationships than your friends or romantic partners do.

Your psyche is very rich; the more you learn about it, the more you will understand who you really are.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

i thought of all the stupid things ive said

i cant sleep. ive been reading secrets. its 2 am and i cant sleep. it is eating me up inside, i just cant fix it. their arent rooms enough for maybes any more and i had thought i had eleminated those a year ago, i guess for everyone but me. these things arent letting me sleep and i feel ill from it. i cant eat at work latley its been too much stress to try and eat meals. i just do want my old body back. probably the worst part is that i cant figure it out and maybe strangers are right i just cant see it or let it. i feel like this blog isnt what it was intended for since here i hide all the things i hide from myslef.

Saturday, June 7, 2008

if the wind blew across you room

i was writing song last night while i was waking out to the car to get my shoes. at 3 am, apparently i dont need shoes when it gets late. it was something like " my feet wont take me whee i want to go" last night i was pretty pissed in both ways. i just get so frusterated. its annoying. im just pretty much done, and the answer is no i wouldnt do it again. never will i throw the keys over the van. fuck i hate climbing things espcialy things that are vans. i hate climbing vans in the rain. i want new shoes. ive been having a good time latley, i feel like old sydney and its nice. i feel good and i domitate on and off the feild. its outgoing sydney. its feeling good. i cant help these ideas of perfection and feelings. some how they must end. i just dont know how to do it. im back baby.

Friday, June 6, 2008

Falling Down

so. no matter where i go im still sort of unsure. im going to have to face it. so im going to work today from 11:30 till 8 in the bakery which meansss haha i bet ill have to stay late. then i get to come home and get dressed and go out to sandys house. i was having crazy dreams last night. at least i got to sleeep for ten hours, if i sleep ill stay warm. two more das till im off for two days , why do i work so much.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Since when

mind boggled, do people really think im a music snobb. id like to think id listen to anything but some music just i dont consider good. and im not afraid to say that. im not going to play half rated shit. maybe i am this snobb you speak of. i just want to go out and spand this money but i know i must save some for next weeks registration. fuck that snobb shit. ill listen to good stuff hell i even liked som avril the other day. since when did i form this persona of brutal judgments and harsh words. it all started back in the years past. its 16 miles to the promise land, and ill promise you im going to do the best i can, now somedays they last longer than others. but this day by the lake went too fast, and if you want me you better speak up i wont wait, so you better move fast. its true. im not going to wait anymore. im past that. fuck shit tags becuase they scrach and touch this wound. i want more already probably a flower. i think half sleeves look really good personally on girls. maybe one day haha my grandma will freak out she already saw this one and her jaw dropped. im not the sweet kid i used to be, im dropping this. this isnt how i wanted things to turn out. sigh time to revert and conform and transform.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

i dont want to talk about it i just want to sit and cry with you

my eyes are cold, im tired of this. i have this thing where i hate the people i dont hate for a little while. i really dont want to talk about it i just want to sit and cry with you. i dont want to talk about it. my fucking feet are cold, and i dont want to follow threw with some of my commitments, id sort of want to leave. and not say good bye for a while. i just care about people i dont have to, like people who dont care about me. i could just be quiet i like that right now.

Across the ocean

i guess i havent been the best leader, i learned my lessons in this world of my own and i guess i didnt let you learn yours. things werent nessicarlly as they seemed. im tired and abotu read to go to bed. i never should have seen the stangers but im glad it was a bunch of mixed "true" events. i dont really have much to say anymore about some things, other than friday that should be interesting. whatever fun times is what. tomorow im getting it at noon. its going to be pain and my first tattoo and im nervous. langley is such a small town in so many ways but so still so big i just see people i know every where no matter what. tits cold in my room and i just drove home from brittanys. its not going to matter what goes down. im not trying anymore. ther are too many good things in life i could miss wishing things here would happen. somehow i cant wait to escape this place. soon it will be over this summer and ill wish for other things.

Sunday, June 1, 2008

i wish i knew. i wish i was as tired as i was when i came home. maybe ill try to sleep again and come to the same concussion as always. i just ill just never know and get used to that feeling. ive got no time. im so sick of this and asking all the time, its time for some readjustments and new ideas. ive really got nothing new to say. i want to be Elisabeth Bennett. if my life were a movie right now wold be the middle part where things seem to fall apart at the seems

tell me that youll open you eyes

i could sit still for hours and think of nothing. nothing. its nothing now. acceptance. maybe that is where i am. i could sit in a room where no one knew my name and we were all silent i dontthink that would be a problem. why do i care. im tired of being tired. im tired of having nothing to show for two months. fuck jute boxes that are wrong. i just work allot andthen not at all. i dont know what i want, and i thought i did. their is this hungar in my stomach that is for something more. the light wont turn its self off i guess. i wish i knew. and fuck why the fuck. nothing can be me without it being someone else, i can see threw it and all of a sudden i started to turn work ing studying not just blind work.