Ok so here's the dealio, were going to look at a new house tonight. 6:30 pm a 2 bed one bath everything included for 400 a month. if we make the decision and she can commit to us coming in February we can pay our last months worth of rent this January and move in February. its 40 dollars more a month than here but if it makes things better than ok. i can have the bigger room apparently but i dont care at all. i just hope the rooms are far apart like with seperate walls. i also just used this black towel that i didnt wash first and it got all the black lint all over my body oh joy.
i came in this morning and all of the lights were on and doors open do people not know who to shut off a light? lets see umm no. but see they also do not know how to read signs or do things in general. im not sure even if i am working id prefer not to if i didnt have to but we will see how the day goes. i have to see stuart later which is fine we just ar going to hang out anyways. all the money i own today is going to gas oh joy. im going to have to talk to someone about that. ive earner 70 dollars worth of money here. two weeks ago i just need to cash it in cha chinggg. got i cant wait till i have money again. this time i will plan it out i have to... how boring. im waiting for bob to come in today i dontthink i need to work today. was is their to do for me? nothing it seems for today, we can talk about next week. and go over when i will be working. blah blah blah dan is in the stiduio along its funy because she dosent know what he is doing withouth nick technacally. im bored at work i want to go home and do something else, maybe ill stream a movie for later on. fjfjfijfjfjfjfjfjfjjffffffffff
IS FUCK YOU AND YOUR FUCKING PERSONAILITTY GO DIE PLEASE OR LIVE IN REALITY I WIHS YOU WOULD FUCKING GROW UP> YOU MAKE ME WANT TO PULL OUT ALL MY HAIR AND DO MEAN THINGS TO YOU AL THE TIME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!BVIEABVWRIVBWIVBSFVSFBVSIFLVBIN
just the idea that you wouldn't drive on Christmas to be together. i cant help but think if something changed the other night. some deep seeded idea from a tragically altered brain, transplanted and watered within your head. that's always going to be the problem. that and your communication skills. maybe I'm irrational and except everything but when you've trained me to be that way how can you expect anything different. right now i truly want away.
Christmas actually just seems ruined and I'm not going to hold back on this in the future.
the down low. i hate my self so much right now. not for just one thing. i feel like i want to take that photo post it in my cupboard any time i want to eat. see here's the biggest deal. becuase of my surgery and my immobility ive gained more weight and i didn't think it was that bad till now. but here is the point of perfection i cant do a fucking thing about it. see i cant walk anywhere far, i cant run, i cant bend past 90 degree's i cant lean on it i cant be on my knees on the ground. no wonder really. i should have seen it earlier. their really is one thing i can do for now. all i got was a shock. i guess i just didn't see myself as being what i really am and i guess its killing more than just one thing.
and when you come in and tell me you dream of living alone what the fuck is the point of me being here at all then, fuck you and fuck the hell off all the time. im done here. you drive all your room mates into this state. nether one of you have left a shared living experience positively. and i don't care anymore. i don't think were really even friends anymore, we sure don't have fun. i don't see the point in exchanging anything anymore. any one a size extra small?
i guess im just fed up is all and im stuck here in the snow. i need out, i need out bad and its scary.
ugh i have to drive back to abbotsford late tonight. its freezing conditions, power outages and snow predestined for Wednesday. whoooo party. ive finished almost all my presents for Christmas. when i say most ugh i mean i have to find like one more perfect thing, a small thing and some stuff for stockings. mm ill have clean bed sheets on Tuesday night. and tonight i think im going to clean clean clean. weirdddd lol. and ill get that stuff ready ready for my car to take home wenesday. im going to do too much back and forth this week. ugh i should get fule tongiht but its like negitive 14 with the windchill in nice areas. so im just going to leave that till tomorow. mmmmmmmmmm i miss you. and i cant wait for christmas day
it think its the thought that means the most, and im sorry they rejected the order 7 days later and that now no more stock. now im stuck having to figure out something completely different. some one come beat me up becuase im bored. ugh waiting for my hair to dry is the pits. i hate the mall parking lots and it seems as if i cant live here without being hounded to spend time with my mom all the fucking time. ugh im so done with it. i just want this thing to be over and such.
im exhausted finally i can sleep for a long time again. i have this hankering to watch toy story. hmmm the internet is just super slow here. corey made really good cookies. i ate a pomergranite today and it took me an hour.
ok i always get my best thinking done in the early morning, so i saw sparks. my heart is yours its you that i hold on to, thats what i do. i cant help but know in the past you knew all along how i felt and let me. im screwed up sadly. ive got alot of good and a bit of bad. so here i go back to what i like to call my old life, or at least something like it. i know. i just feel like its not private anymore. all these things are a part of my contributing problem.
also i had this fucking crazy dream i kept waking up in and going back to bed at about 3:30 this morning about a virus unleashed in a hospital and brittany was with me idk why we were in this hospital but it was just like a movie. and brittany got infected i could tell becuase she was puking in the containent center, i worked at the hospital and was trying to make it to seattle for safty but when we got to the boarder all boarders to canada had been shut off and nothing was leaving the area. and one of the infected people was that lurch like guy from run fat boy run. it dosent sound scary but it was terrifying, and i diddnt want to be infected becuase you turn into a mostar and the hospital was full of them, and for somereason becuase brittany was infected i left her. sad. and scary.
so lifes not perfect but heres the deal. ive got lots, and your in it. i miss you when your not around and sometimes i hate you becuase its the easiest thing to do in the most loving way. yes were not the same at all. but last night night finally it felt right. i didnt wake up and wonder how you were or if you were sleeping. im so glad we got out of that same routine. i really cant wait till we go do more things. our 4 days and 2 mornings are great, heres for what i wanted and always was afraid of.
ok so its been a few days. i can walk. ha ha well sort of i can half walk with some cruches but i cant wait till i walk walk, i cant wait for Christmas i cant wait for newyears im just happy. i think thats mainly becuase of my waffle and the macchattio i had this afternoon. its not that I've been thinking of anything bad its just when you said were kind of into it now theirs no going back. i just gotta have you. this will work. i dont think its about mind games anymore. idk things are simple but complicated and i think i need to worry less and less about what you might think or what might happen in the future. when my mom gets home i want to make rice crispys. mm sounds good
What have i got to loose. rather than everything. i think sometimes i expect too much from people for the, to be able to fulfill the shoes Ive given them. because somehow i always become unsatisfied with one or another. maybe its just that i expect from everyone else what i would do for them, but not all of our brains are the same, we don't ask for others eyes to see what we see. I'm sick of having no time but all the time in the world right now. all of these places i used to love have become a prison, and only by my own faults. how long does it take. Ive just come to this point where i need to do a life evaluation. and i wish it was easier. i know theirs a big world out their like the one i saw on the screen. am i just wishing for too much? have things just worked out perfectly until now or was i just doing everything right then.