im in this room i liek to call the board roo next to my work relaxing, no one is ever in here and they have comfy swivle chairs and im very close to white dwarf. i did not want to get out of bed this morning at all. i really question the things i do sometimes. or why. i need to be responsile. but i have these very unreal expectations of how my life should work out and how much of an adult i must be, but what really happened is i was like 15 till i was 17 and then forever i was 17 and now im a 19 year old living in a 2 year olds lifestyle. and i dont know how to do this 25 thing. its too complicated and stressful. i try to be mature and make the best choices and be money savy but im not and ive done alot of things i shouldnt have. like right now im wearing the clothes i wore to surry last night and im super thirsty becuase i havent had any water and i cant afford any food or anything, fuck my stupid life i need to go pay for parking, becuase during my break in work i
remember how i said nothing bad happens well when bad things happen i guess they are really bad, I'm not trapped at work but i feel like i am. i just want to cry because of the bad things. i just feel sick and i don't want to eat really i just need to go home and be with the people who mean everything. i don't want to loose this our family will change forever if it does and i know this will change you. i just need everything to stay the same for us.
it takes two to make things go right. i feel blad and you can tell, you ask me if im ok on the phone and i think so. its just a silence im super stressed but i think that can be reliaved, im sad i cant see you whenever i want. becuase i miss you, and i miss sharing my bed. theses are the songs i just keep singing. ive got to skimm a chapter in SCMS before 2:20.ive got so little time, amd i feel like its running short.
i just need to lay in my bed and watch harry potter. i ot really upset after leaving class today, i told the teacher i had to leave really early to go to a specialist appoinment in vancouver, but i really just needed to get the hell out of there. my mom wont answer her phone and it feels like no one really understand, or i dont want to tell them. things have become too truthful. things have been posted here that i think need to start being said outloud not just in a secret code we all seem to discover. i need to feel safe. and it dosent help my body wants to eat everything it sees in the last day. god i hope im not. please. ill give it more hours and lots of time. add a large paper and a little project. only harry potter can save my emotional state for now. so if you have some things to say, come out and say them.
reunited with the world. i got my charger back, minus some of the things from it. i feel like i can never entirely please everyone at once. so ive given up. im going to try and try hard, but their is only so much one person can do for other people. im very tired and ive got much to much to do in the next few days, mmmmmm halloween is soon and i still dont know what im going to be, great!
i have much much to o much to do in so little time and if i cant do these things i wont survive. i need the day off work point period end. i need to vote, buy art stuff and cram. now it dosent help that last niht i had a martini or two before hanksgiving causing me to when i got home at 7pm to fall directly asleep. but here when i awake at 9 to a comotion in the kitchen i am greeted by a force unxpected that is angry at me at the world and expects im to felll sorry for it. but not olny waking me froma dead sleep does it do so, but it tells me all these things and that i hould go back to bed and keeps throwig shot around. which inturn starts my panic attack. fuckkk. so i get a mini panic attack and realize i cant get up at 9 30 now to study no no. sleep. so hre i am in the morning not ready stranded and unready for the biggest midterm... and yet some smal little part of me hopes i fail, just in case. fuck i need to decided because this guessing game is only for one side.
i dont think i should have to deny how i feel anymore. i not denying it to you, i just dont think i should be limited to how happy i can feel. when i think about you i become happy, and when i think of other things i get sad so now im in this place wehre i feel like i should be mad at you so im not so happy, but i cant. see the problem here is that i cant just be. i dont know where or when i let things limit me but i did, and weather i try or not its not helping anyone. so here im free. im going to be happy when i want. and im not going to deny that becuase of other things in my life. looking at me i see my flaws and ive realized what i might need to stop doing or considering in my life. ill try to be a better person.i wonder sometimes just in a minute if im the only one, but im not. i think you know more than anyone. and you put the low ride on me.
im sitting in my old room eating a scone, or as it should be termed sydneys friday night and sunday morning bed. im so tired and im cold. i dont know what i should do in this situation. it sort of changed everything. my body still wants food, and its funny that your mom told Dorthoy i was your girlfriend, when i was hiding up the steps. she aid i was cute lol. and then she asked where i was you said hol don and called my phone and brought me downstairs. i dont like leaving.
i cant be thier for you. nd its hard as hell. i dont have anytime but i need to make time for you. i dont want to start work but whatever. its going to b so rainy tonight and id like to do soemthing super fun. hot and cold seem to be your way, or your just a very private person in which i know you are. i know how you feel but its like you an show everything in front of other people. its fine, im just stressed out. shes sick and lifes bad or seems to be. i need to figure things out and straighten out my life before anything worse happens
i think ive got something wrong inside, but its nothing a coffee cant fix i think. its stress and it makes me want to sleep all day and not go to class. ill see you again tomorow. im wearign a scarf but i know its hot outside. i just dont want to do anything, but work or hang out, i lost my drive. and it dosent help my mom is trying to pressure me into being a teacher, i really think i need to be an artist, i mean i dont have the drive to do anythign else.. or even anything. i need to be motivated to do well. becuase im screweing myself over.
im scared shitless. about you and me. you want me to open up and im trying its just hard. all i can taste is soymilk. today at work i think im just going to process music. makes sense, i hope no ones in the studio. only 3 hours, i need more change. i need more money. i need more money really bad. im going to have to do something about it.