im so sick of people telling me what to not choose as a porfession with life. yes i realize everything is hard. you might make it or you might not. i might be wasting my time, i might not. i dont know what to choose and its comming time soon, i know this summer i have to take biology, painting and philosphy, woot. fuck whatever its going to be a bitch with the bio lab and what not. i watched this news story today and this orangatang on its own learned how to whistle and that is so fucking crazy. i feel sick. ugh life stress.
i have so many directionality's it seems. i burnt my inner arm with my straighter tonight and it hurts like a mother fucking bitch. i wish i could rewind becuase ever since this new semester has started i've been unhappy as fuck. work takes up too much time. school work dosen't get done, my grades aren't great becuase i don't do the work. i dont even expect a c on my portfolio midterm becuase i didn't even complete all the color charts needed. i wish i lived in America with a pair of pay less shoes. i wish i could rewind even past when school started. those nights id just go out at midnight to walk around and wind up laying in my lawn listing to music.
im exhausted all the time from running here and their, and doing things for people all day long. my parents are unhappy i wont become a teacher. theirs no where i can go where i don't see pictures of you really. and i think its my mood is effecting things. i wouldn't blame you for not answering me if the tables were turned. Its like ive accomplished so much but i feel like i'm worse off then ever and going no where. now i realize why we get summer off. but now i've committed to this house for the summer so im going to go to school all summer and be ahead credit wise. maybe im mad becuase you'd rather play wow or see a stupid head cog then come over here. or maybe i'm mad becuase it feels like all i do is come to you and you never make an effort to come here anymore. This is the time when i need my other dysfunctional half. becuase you don't understand.
i wish school didnt exsist. i know part of the problem is that i know i have to do this for 2 more years to do almost nothing with it ive convinced myself.
I'm not stoaked on classes tomorrow, why didn't i write my papers? why? fuck I'm fucked. i have all of tomorrow night to do it i guess after art class. and in between during my break i guess ill come home and cook and read my text book. life's depressing it seems. with all the good times it seems like i fall into a pit of wonders when I'm down. i saw telekinesis at Richards on Richards on Friday night and it was really good along with cut off your hands and Ra ra riot. it was amazing and i liked it a lot. their seems i get no middle ground this week, and this whole ticket ordeal has brought back all my old bad habits about locking doors and thinking. the anxiety is really getting to me. things that don't matter matter, things that you don't notice i now do and think every ones judging me for it. i want to go home so badly and pretend this life isnt mine and sleep in my bed and pretend its not like this. i wish i could be a child again. i am guilted around every corner and i don't want my life to be like this anymore. i just ant normal and i had it for so long. i dont want this right now
so today you told me it was silly i didn't have a toothbrush and some of my stuff at your house becuase id have to leave 2 hours early to go home and brush my teeth. its true i dont and i sleep over 2 times a week and i like to have clean teeth but i didnt want to be that girlfriend that just brings that sort of shit over and leaves it. you even noticed the change and i didn't even have to tell you. valentinesday was really great. im not being taken over by the fear. i downloaded lily allen's new album today its good. i cleaned my room tonight after work and ive still got to fold a red load then put it awak and finish finally unpacking my clothes.
Its weird that your not near your phone. we got Fred and George tonight. its just going to be a hassle to feed them especially when Corey goes house sitting ill be changing the fish eating times a lot lol. im really tired and i have to get up really early to go to the school during my reading week, dang. fucking have to study and write papers what type of shit break is this.
it was a really good valentines day, and you loved your gift. im really tired but my body decided this would be a good time to wake up especially becuase i don't have work for 3 hours. i dont se how your not going to see bloc party. it makes no sense. you have no reason you just don't want to go. im going. and im also going to see death cab that week too. in a week im going to see telekenisis. i feel really sick, and all pepple want to do is go out. sleep. thats all i want. we also currentyl have a decorative fish tank with nothing in it ready to go. im going to wear that blazer today or my tegan and sara shirt. i want my breakfast. mmmm
im so wound up and today is going to be so long. i surprisingly just played lovegame on my show, crazy beans. i want you to cut you hair really bad. but i dont want to be that bitch who tells you to get your hair cut, like i have to force you to do so many other things. i love comericals, they sound so great its like transformed the station. i really dont know how my life would be without civl at all. i guess this is the way desitny was suposed to play out.
today is 6 months and i guess that makes sense, but time sort of does fly, over a year its been and look where i am now. if you think this life is great i have some hints, stay with your parents as long as possible till you feel its right becuase they might just be the only people in your life that wont fuck you over. you never want to be crying becuase you cant figure out how to pay your rent becuase your cheque came late. you never want to eat bread for 2 days. this life might seem like something you want, but belive me grass is greener on the other side. im not saying it isnt fun but when your finaly responsible for your life things you never thought will change. im just happy where i am and with the idea that things could go well for a long time. i enjoy having my own time and space but i love faling asleep in your arms and stealing your bed, becuase you let me. now i just have to catch up on reading and pretend like the shades on my bird arent too dark in the mistake areas. god its going to be hard not to see those, i should have worked under a better light, now i know next time. i think its almost time to apply for another loan so i dont have to go threw what i did this semster. dont avoid your problems or they will only get worse as this loan had taught me and im sure many others. tiem to go back to school. woo lol except not at all. at least reading week is next week, but i still work.
I'm so lost and confused in my organized chaos. so much to do and no time to do it in.
I haven't even gotten to the fact that i haven't had my wallet for two days and it seems for ever 2 of my phone calls i get one back. you cant do anything without a wallet ill tell you, i have a cheque for a lot of money but without my bank card or ID i cant cash it. What a useless amount of money. and beyond this i got my whole weekend screwed around. and now i cant pick up the thing i needed to pick up because i have to nbe downtown at that time. i feel so stranded on this island by myself. whats worse is i cant even get help with any of this never mind the paper that was just put on the table to add onto this due on Monday morning , a thousand words on Acoustic age. who has 2 hours to get that done. i guess maybe Sunday night i just wont sleep. that seems to be the most simple answer.