Thursday, July 31, 2008

you told me yesterday you'd wait till septemeber

you dont know how happy that makes me

and the smiles help alot

i miss home

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

my airmattress died in the middle of the night

umm ok im sitting in the parking lot for the beach, stealing someones open internet connection. i forgot to pick up the papers at brittanys. stuart just convinced me to cancel my surgery somehow. it was for august 15th but ill just push it back. so i can go camping to jones lake and i can go to pax. today i spent alot of time thinking about how much it would mean if i left, or other wise. i was wondering if it had just been me who had grown attached but then when i told him he was like NOO, somehow i think this will come up in drunken conversations with missy, if your reading this please come rescue me on thusday m number 143 on 1st street kiddy corner to the firehall. i sleep in t tent by my self. and it was rainign and cold last night. what sandy said the other night for clarification was that was the end of summer to me and stuart. idk how or why he thoguht so, but im glad your safe and im glad to see missy soon

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

end all be all

so im still in a weird state about saying good bye, im hoping you landing soon and having fun. after you left we went back to stus house and went to wings for dinner ate 4 ponds of wings, um then we sat in my car for a long time, sandy asked some kid if he was brown and the kid replyed yes. hella funny. went to see step brothers and said good bye. im in a good mod after driving home to death cab for cutie, and no matter what sadny meant me and stuart decided otherwise. i cant wait for time to come, except the growing up part

Monday, July 28, 2008

talks of halfs and sandwiches is what consumes our day to day lives, i need to remeber to get that paper from brittany's house. im aprehensive. things change SOOOOOOOO OFTEN i cant deal, please choose a side.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Beautiful people

i think im comming to this point where things are slowly making sense. for me at least. i know what i want. i dont want to just be another face to add. im wondering if that one day i can be happy ether way. im loosing in one way but i thihk im more than gaining with others. but i do miss my older self, even though im happier than before. i burned my finger on the egg in toast hole thing. i dont know who much longer i can be confused for, this has to end somewhere.

i hate looking like a fool

im so much more confused than before, i need to talk about it. lick my face? poke me idk at all anymore, just decide. i just sort of want to be pumkin soup, but then i push it away. oh im so fucking glad you dont read this. time bomb. i know my secrets true the new one i just try to ignore it. ohhhhhhhh gosh. ill try to put it out of my mind. pretned its nothing wen i know better.

what would you say?

Saturday, July 26, 2008

things cant ever just stay the way they were. somehow things go astray.

Friday, July 25, 2008

sometimes best

a mixture of incompleet and worriesome, ive got something to loose. im tired . i wish i had my headphones even if they are the blown out ones. what i have to relize is things arent going to change. even if i want them to for alot of things in my life. i think i have some growing up to do. this cant follow me around forever.coconuts and campfires are the smells i can smell. when i want to sing in the car i listen to my tegan and sara cd. i dont know what the right thing is to do. i cant do things im told and i should do others. i cant mid the words to make this right. coffee makes me talk more than normal. i cant beleve the things you say.. can we be honest? i dont know. i need to do laundry. i need alot of things. good thing cameras were invented to display our horrible akward faces. i need out.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

tell me what you need, even if its alone

all throught the day i have so many things i want to put into this, but then i get home and rethink it all and im not sure if its all the same. my feelings and motivations and ideas are like day and night. forever changing. i hate how things imediatly change from me being something important to nothing . a something you could stand to loose. i dont know what to do with myself and i havent spent any time at home in days. oh how i wish things could be simpler. i hope we got that house. somehow i think michelle fucked it up. im afrid im too messed upinside. and i think other things are far to messed up to ever be fixed.

these last few days have had some picture erfect moments, its got to end soon

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

its still a little hard to say whats going on

i cant ever feel the same way all day about something. i smell like camp fires and sand. im so tired. i wish i could sleep just for one night at least.

i cant sayanythign becuase i nolonger know, i think today wa sbetter than tomorow can ever be.

Sunday, July 20, 2008


ill never get it.

this pattern only leaves's me more hollow then before.

i think i put everything i want on this pedestal and hen when i dont acheve it it seems as if the whole floor moves with the shatter.

instincts are misleading

im sick of people telling me im not going to be able to do everything.

last night in the stars was good, i need times like those to make it threw times like these.

leave me alone please im going to break down soon, and no one needs that. not even you.

You Wreck Me

im sitting here rehashing old conversations and old ideas. What is this top friend business. since when did we rank people in our lives. if it didn't matter about this top friends thing why is it such a problem when we move up or down. the thing is someone can tell you something but then they place you 5th or 11th or anywhere and you dont matter. how. should we all be happy just to be someones top friend. im undecided. im a hole. and i dont know how to interpret things like this at all. im so sick of feeling wrong, and getting no response. im tired of wanitng 3 things in life ill never get. im so very tired. ive got misquto bites. i dont want to play these mind games, i dont desreve this trust. and i dont know what to do. my eyes need to close for a while.

Friday, July 18, 2008

Now that were on the subject could we change the subject now

i split my lip. im done talking about it, or id like to tell myself that. thos expholiating cloths are pure genius. my back hurts from sleeping for too long, got i swear you could get me to agree to anything wen im sleeping, my mom did , she got to take my car to the hospital... i guess she could sh did put in some gas becuase i drove jolene all the way to vancouver last night for her. god i hate facebook. my internet sucks and traces of it

Thursday, July 17, 2008

if you were missing i would run away

so one. i left my phone at brittanys house, and no i looked in my car. so im not going to get that till tomorowo or the next day, ill just go to work aftr i get my haor done and tell her about it. ugh i can still taste the big mac bite. umm my car is still full of beach fire stuff, my pupppy blanket got a fire hole in it. i had a really good time. and now i smell like camp fire. im not sure if i woke steve up or he was just suposed to but its 4:30ish so hes going to work withing the hour and i just got home. i saw someguy walking to work as i drove home and the sum was comming up, i love getting paid more than i thought i would um mann if i get like 50 bucks i can so do pemberton maybe hahahahaahhahaha fuckk haha i can ehateer ill ust be poor but i need gas to go to tulammen and 22 dollars for fun and other things. um ushually i get paid thursday and by sunday i have nothing left. im still wired from that iced cap ohhhhh man i have to get up at 9 5 and a half hours, whatever tomorow i can nap and do laundry and wash thouse blankets and clean out mty trunk and get gas. i should watch fat camp so i can go to sleep , or should i just not sleep at all? and then just re fix my sleepig later tonight and wake up the next day, umm i could make it for anothing 30 hours??/ i think. idk i can try it out i really am not sleepy at all im into food, haha im fucked for sleeping, like alot. ugh

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

fear is the heart of love... my plus ran out.

so its almost one thirty in the monring and im listeing to bob marley. i dont think that everything i put a pressure on in my mind has to go right. things arent going to be perfect and ive just got to learn to deal with that. sad thing is ive got about 5 hours now to sleep, and i made the sleepy boy drive me home. their is no bread becuase i didnt want to turn around to go back to the store, so i screwed myself over out of a grilled egg cheese sandwhich.

dont kid yourself, if your reading this

nothing is forever.

If you want to understand white people, you need to understand indie music. As mentioned before, white people hate anything that’s “mainstream” and are desperate to find things that are more genuine, unique, and reflective of their experiences.

Fortunately, they have independent music.

A white person’s iPod (formerly CD collection) is not merely an assemblage of music that they enjoy. It is what defines them as a person. They are always on the look out for the latest hot band that no one has heard of so that one day, they can hit it just right and be into a band BEFORE they are featured in an Apple commercial. To a white person, being a fan of a band before they get popular is one of the most important things they can do with their life. They can hold it over their friends forever!

Indie music also produces a lot of concerts, for which white people can attend and meet other white people. It’s especially useful, since they are attending the same concert, they both like the artist and can easily strike up a conversation that will flow from band at the show->other bands they like->where they went to/go to school->where to get the best vegan food in town->agreement to meet at said restaurant for awkward date.

It is worth noting that white people are expected to stay current with music and go to concerts well into their 40s. Unlike at dance or hip hop clubs, there are few stigmas attached to being the “old guy at the club.”

But BE WARNED, talking about Indie Music with white people is perhaps the most dangerous subject you touch upon. One false move and you will lose their respect and admiration forever. Here are some general rules

* Bands that have had their songs in an Apple ad are still marginally acceptable
* Bands that have had their songs in ads for other companies are not acceptable
* If you mention a band you like and the other person has heard of them, you lose. They own you. It is essential that you like the most obscure music possible.

Remember, popular artists can turn unpopular in a heartbeat (Ryan Adams, Bright Eyes, The Strokes), so you would be best to stick to the following statements: “I love the Arcade Fire,” “I still think the Montreal scene is the best in the world,” “I would die without Stereogum or Fluxblog“* and “Joanna Newsom is maybe the most original artist today.”

*-do not substitute Stereogum for Pitchfork, as this is one of those things that used to be cool, but is now not cool.

Monday, July 14, 2008


silence, and rolling up into balls, not talking. i think they call this depresssion. i didnt even go to work today. i dont even know whats wrong. i know, but i dont see how that could be it. i wish i could reverse. rewind and tape over. just becuase im restless inside now.

It takes alot for me to apologize for anything. its part of me. and then when i get ntohing back, i tend to think you just dont care anymore. it could be true. im fucking my life over for nothing.

i dont know how to stop thinking, and ive got 12 dollars.

my cloths hang on the line drying in the daylight while i stay in the darkness of my room.

i need out whenever things just get this bad.

... i guess this is what it feels like.

Sunday, July 13, 2008

your hot then your cold

wow. right now i have more to say then i have in a long time.
... but first my ankel is so itchy like i think i got a misquto bite on top of my cut.

so ive wokred like too much in the last few days. and alll i can think about at work are my problems. sigh and what isnt a problem right now. ive gotten tinto countless fights and its not helping. my car is ready on tuesday. life is just a dream here.

we had such a good thing going on before, how did that get ruined. im just wondering what. what do you want. i asked myself this very same question before. why. why when your drunk? and then why the polar oposite a day later. im not mad i just thoguht this was over months ago and we wouldnt have this problem again. maybe it if wasjjust laying beside eachpother that would have been fine, i cant even cont the number of drinks i consumed. and you were feeding them to me. im stressed out. i cant wait for the waterslides. and ok so the other thing is i got a car today. but liek idk i dont think it suits me. but whaever i guess i cant be picky. somthing sporty dosent seem to be my style.

im wanting food so bad, and i feel bad im not as excited as i should be.
i just want to talk it out. alot.

and so what if i like miley shes good and anyone who dosent think so should fuck off. i dont listen to the whole thing i hear a beat and idk i like it or i dont.

my feet hurt, and i dont want to hold it in, their was some urge you had, idk

Saturday, July 12, 2008

i dont even know

ohhhhh dang. what the fuck just happened, i need to be at work at like 11:30. i need sleep and now my life is so much more complicated. i liked it before, but i also liked cuddling you, or you cuddling me. im not to sure. the time for sleep is now

Friday, July 11, 2008

simply anxious

ive drawn the line a long time ago, and i think i crossed it. i love sufjan stevens so much, i think i forgot for a while how good it was, or i was lookign for soemthing else. im missing you. alot. im biding my time, ans wondering hy you never text me. its a selfconsious thing i guess. i wish i made the right decisions. but that never happens. sigh i just got freaked out at for a dvd i lost but iv never seen it. i dont know why i wont show her this blog, i dont think its to hide me it to hide you. idk i guess i want myself to be a secrectof parts too. i dont know what this dvd deal is but im not involoed.

idk anymore i just get blamed for everything.

i just dont know

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

oh fucck

i dont see how or why or any reason, but i feel this way. im tired,

Monday, July 7, 2008

its a long long time away

im thinking of the actions of people and how they fit into society. how do somepeople think certian things are ok. do i fit this perfect mould of normalcy. how do people now that the things that they are doing arent ok but contiune to do so. how much can someone stray from the pack. or are we meant to do so. i cant let everything out. i need something. anything. id do anything to be where i wanted to. how am i this person. why am i up, i have to be back up in 7 hours. whenevery i cry i get this streak of eyeliner on my arm. ew i looked at the tv at the worst time. its day ten. and my back hurts alot. liek all the time. and y mom is going away for a week. i got a twenty for gas and food. bt at least i get paid on thursday. and whats with men and their trucks i dont get it. id rather be happy then see your new truckk.all the things i want in someone are in someone else i aldreay have but dont want. im getting sucked into this unreal realiity. i dont want to do this whoel adult thing again. im stuck. and i want a shower, sigh 6 am you are my bain

i am the jauggernaught

sometimes i hit system preferences or calender rather than text and it pisses me off. i dont know why im not sleeping yet. i wonder if im still wailisted. i am still in waitlist position 2 and 5 for art. i dont know if ill get in. my eyes are tired. i wish my midnight was other peoples midnights. my own bed. nice. my ankel still hurts and things have been fliped upside down. i havent had time yet to breath, and maybe its how im still moving. i dont want to end my childhood so sooon. i want to have what i have now. im always worried if i made the wrong desicions. it dosent matter to anyone but me. lifes much to complicated. after this im going upstairs to bed. i just fell sleep sitting here i soul dmsake the journy to bed, its getting their thats the problem.

Thursday, July 3, 2008

i wanted to say thank you for that.

this song makes me cry. i dont want to loose in this game. but its like i lost already. hear you me my friend. everything will be ok. its better. why cant the music go louder, i need louder. i need alot of things im not getting right now.its not like i cant fucking sleep. im wide awake and its 6 hours till morning. i wasent expecting this poison to seep threw all this sweetness. i feel so done. i cant breath. i need to get the fuck out of here. i need the fuck out bad. im pretty fucking bitter.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

home again same time

somehow im going to get very mad i think. i dont think its fair, but it cant be about me. its just eh point where its not about what your doing, its about what your doing it for. im so tired, no sleep all the time. i dont know what to do but this and its good. i need you.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

im on your portch even if it is alone

its 3 am and im home. theirs no love liek appathy, haha fucking yes water stacked wresiling, i havent had so much fun in a pool for a while. im knee hurts though. and my hair is all gross. we actually made plans for friday and saturday! im surprised. im happy, in the way some things are. in other ways i have no idea what to do or where im at or anything. i have 3 compleetly diffrent situations going on. what i know is that these headphones were blown long ago, just why arent they in the trash. here now i sit, thinking about everything. im just glad it was fun. im more than glad.