Wednesday, April 30, 2008

love is like celo tape

so ok this is my second hour of the day i can do what i want. i pulled the tendon in my thumb and it hurts alot, but i hit everytime. ive got to home im forgetting at least for now becuase well im fine. i really want some clean cloths becuase well i think im at the end of the end and no ones doing it but i have no time off to do it. so afterwork is baseball practice for a while and then luandry. im so hungry ugh this happens alot and iafter i writ ethis im going to watch some bad reality tv for half an hour and go to bed. i live working lolzzzzzz. so early oh well. i like how im half icing my hand meh. im to worn down to start wrring aboutthings that dont matter obviously. all i really can do is let things roll

"You'll meet them all again on the journey to the middle" Best movie of my life!
another day more stuff to do its how life goes.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008

i cant cry anymore

i guess everytime i think im about to come to soe great conlusion it dosent come anymore. i dont even think its just about me anymore. things seem to be falling apart mor than normal, but staying together. im ust tired of getting things becuase they are someone else's preferance. see ive made my decison im just waiting for the right time. i like when people think they are perfect and then it hits reality where we all fail. my eyes are tired again and its only eleven thirty. i know im sinking back, i can feel it.

Monday, April 28, 2008

im fine and then i see you

i think the header means everything right now. for one i cant stop listing to that song becuase well it just put the words in my mouth. i dont get why everything has to be so hard for no reason at all. its very strange how things work out and how much you want to control things you just fucking cant. really please why do i keep comming back for more. hurt me, hurt me. i guess thats what im asking, hurt me. and i guess its great when people cant tell at all im the one whos not ok, and that maybe i just said it. i guess thats just how things work out.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Alright, Still

im going to have to say their is one thing i cant explain
certain reasons things wont go away
and it all has to be for a reason

i cant say I've let go
that could possibly be the worst thing
i drift into this sea where things can be perfect and perfection is just a very simplistic thing.

We all take too much, and im sick of wondering if people are mad, because its my life. Sometimes i wish i didn't care so much because then when things got bad it wouldn't matter anymore, it wouldn't hurt. it wouldn't hurt when your tearing into my soul.

To tell you the truth i cant tell the difference anymore between lies and the truth because they all contradict eachother. Sometimes i wonder how much is the truth, and what might be fake. it always leads me to wonder what is going on, and what is truly to hide

its 3 am im getting home and yet again i hate growing up lets just stay like this, haha or atelst get the weekends off work. love you guys

What is the best way to get over someone?
to stop seeing them or talking to them it truly works

What makeup do you wear on a daily basis?

Last people you hung out with?
sam missy amanda, keynn, lee, brandon, john, sam 2, aaron, kent, red hair kid, mike, breaden.

If you could eat one meal for the rest of your life, what would it be?

Where would you like to be right now?
here in my bed its awsome man, i love my bed

Anyone on your mind?
sort of but liek only becuase its like this thing where im thinking about what they are missing out on

When was your last kiss?
new years

Who'd you get this survey from?

Do you currently like anyone?
not really, but thise things never fuly ever go away

Ever told someone you loved them and NOT meant it?
sort of i just wasent ready

Ever been told you were loved by someone who didn't mean it?

Last person you hugged?

Have you ever been used?
uh huh

Have you ever used anyone?
sort of, its a hard thing to admit to

Have you ever been cheated on?

Is cheating acceptable in a relationship?

Who was your first real best friend?
rene we grew up together we have this crazy bond even though we arent tight anymore ww i love that kid to death

Are you still best friends with that person?
not best but i say liek aquatinces

What is your biggest fear?
being crushed in a croud of people

Who was the last person you called?
called? hmmm carly

Last person to send you a myspace message?
some random dude. idk i just ignore them

Longest phone conversation?
like 8 hours

Are you hungry?
not so much, i sort of want some water

Would you ever date an alcoholic/smokers?
uhh, i say no but really you dont choose who you love

Last time you cried?
like 3 weeks ago

Reason for the last time you cried?
uhhh breakdown

Ever done something really stupid?
uhh like tonight >>> hahahahha yes i do may stupid things

What can't you go a day without doing?

Do you miss anyone?
yeah i do

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?

Last song?
lowlee MA death cab for cutie

Last movie?
forgetting sarah marshal

september 26th 1989

What are you doing right now?
fillin gthis out and then im goingto pass out

What should you be doing right now?
id liek to be sleeping

What means the most to you?

Ever been in love?

Do you believe in love at first sight?
lust AT first sight

Are you keeping a secret from someone that needs to know the truth?
i dont have any like huge secrets anyone needs to know that they dont already

Are your parents together?

Eye color?

Hair color?

Winter or summer?
fall best of both worlds

Over 18?

Kissed someone on your top friends?

Ever told a lie?
Been arrested?

Kissed a picture?

Fallen asleep at work/school
no its not possible

Held an actual snake?
yeah i was a wild animal when i was a kkid catching all sorts of things

Have YOU Ever Ran a Red Light?
yeah i have but it was like the beginning part and i had to

Been suspended from school?
not suspended

Totaled a car/motorbike in an accident?
no thank god

Sang karaoke?
haha yes their are sweet pictures to show it yaya for asian kariouki

Done something you told yourself you wouldn't?
many of times

Laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?
yeah iced tea in the caf this year

Caught a snowflake on your tongue?

Kissed in the rain?

Sang in the shower?
yeah like today

Sat on a rooftop?

Been pushed in the pool with your clothes on?

Broken a bone?

Shaved your head?

Blacked out from drinking?
yeah i have

Had a gym membership?

Been in a band?
yeah man espicaly tonight in rock band

Shot a gun?
hells yes i have

Liked someone with nobody else knowing about it?

Played strip poker?

Donated Blood?
not yet

Liked someone you shouldn't?

Have a tattoo?
not yet

Have or had any piercings besides ears?
not yet

Made out with a complete stranger?
haha no lucky we got out of it mainly just crazy situatioss and drunk men

Caught someone cheating on you?

Skinny dipped?
uh yeah

Regret any of your ex's?

Been in Love?

Were you happy when you woke up today?
sort of

How about now?
not so much but im like comming down fron being really happpyy

Who was the last person you ate with?

Kiss on the first date?

Would you rather have chicken or steak?

What were you doing at 10 am?

Are you different now than you were six months ago?
so much

What was the last beverage you spilled on yourself?
jello shooter

How old will you be in 10 months?

Who was the last person to text you?

What month is your birthday in?

Can you live a day without tv?

When was the last time you saw your dad?
2 years ago or 3 idk

How many houses have you lived in?
like 5

How many city/towns have you lived in?

Do you prefer shoes, socks, or bare feet?
bare feets

What is your favorite color(s)?

What are you doing for your next birthday?
im fucking going clubing and having a grand party at our house

What are you thinking about right now?
trying to fix things that might well be stuck and sleeping and baseball games in 9 hours

Any plans for next weekend?
not so far

Do you smile a lot?
sometimes im forced to at work

When was the last time you cried?
3 weeks ago man i said this already

Have you ever had a life-threatening injury?
yeah i have it was called ovedose

What do you want to be when you grow up?
i really have no clue and everyne asks me that question every day of my life

Do you like flying or driving?

Do you know how to drive a stick shift?
sort of

What is your favorite thing to spend money on?
cloths music all the great suff nails yee

Do you wear any jewelry daily?

Who got you the jewelry you are currently wearing?im not wearing any

Who is the funniest person you know?
omh everyone

How often do you remember your dreams?
not very much

What is your ringtone?
calibria remix 2007

Skim, 1%, 2%, or whole milk?
lactose freeeeeee or soy

Are you mad about anything?
sort of im more like pissed off anf rusterated but whatever

What time did you go to sleep last night?
like 1 am?

Saturday, April 26, 2008

its slow going on ground that is moving

thigns arent going such as to how i would want, i guess not everything can. tonights going to be fun but everytime i rethink my ideas i find myself wanting to be somewhere else every time. the grass is iternally green on he other side. and sometimes i wonder how this grass here is even so green. when it truly comes down to it, its who fights for you not who you fight for. every one has a story, and maybe they arent ready to tell it. life's fixable. stop withholding yourself, becuase really in all of your lifes its just you your holding back from. im not even mad anymore, its past mad or angry its just this blank part of me that will forever be blank. its not like i can even sleep away my problems. i guess today is just today and tomorow is tomorow. and the next week will come.

Friday, April 25, 2008

do you understand, have you been understood.

i know its late, i wanted to be asleep an hour ago. i just cant stop to think about how much people want and like well certain people in particular want but never give. I'm sorry i don't have time to do meaningless stuff for you when i don't have enough time in a day to even do the things i want or need. things just seem to get hard, and in the end if anyone gets the blame laid its mostly on me, so you know what I'm not sorry you have to do things like every other person in this lifetime. get it right grow up and take responsibility for your own self. im going to see you tomorrow and dont piss me off becuase im about ready to blow, oh oh i just wanted to address this whole concept of you thinking your about ten times better than me. yeah about that, ha. im sorry you need to feel that way because your just severely insecure and always will be. the thing is that i can do alot fo things your incapable of and im sorry. i bet you do things i cant, oh wait i think that would be the whole making people feel like shit every time your around them, or wait your good at making us all talk behind your back becuase we all hate you, and everytime your not around we talk about it. so im truly sorry i didnt give you that list, and im also sorry you think somehow your better than i am, and wait just one more im sorry that when we weren't talking for 3 months i let that guy who sat behind us say all those mean things about you and your hair, but i couldn't stop him, they were too funny and true.

watch this

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Pools of sorrow waves of joy are drifting thorough my open mind Possessing and caressing me

Dream or not?
by ~thomasdelonge on deviantART
there are so many things about today, i got sprayed by a loose hose at work, i discovered i might be the new floral girl for the summer, i got my baseball schedules. life's just moving way to fast all of a sudden, in one month its going to be sasquach. and apparently i have a scary room. their is barely any time in the day. i still want food. and i already ate dinner. my feet have this burning, it hurts. i don't want to do this grind anymore, where is my life amongst all this? id like to say its going to be over very soon, but thats not true at all. some people just talk about the internet in their sleep, and apparently i respond, i really want food. im going to go to bed sometime soon. i just need a distraction. and apparently its not going to.

maybe really within everything i was hoping that something would come out of no where, but its apparent i cant feel it becuase im numb. the shivers wont stop and my eyes cant stay open for much longer.

sometimes they are right and sometimes they are wrong to me

why why why why why why why why? i think i could contiune on for a long time. i lulled myself to sleep and with a sheet on top of the cushions it made a sustainable bed, so now im back to square 3 and waiting till the school opens. im incredibly tired and also dehydrated from that midnight coffee. somehow i got a leg cramp when i was sleeping and i can still feel the pounding. sometimes it is like you have to let people figure things out for themselves. you cant save everyone from their own demons. i just i care about everyone, no matter who they are or what they do mean, and its a great quality or a very bad one. i have my pillow here and you know id rather be using it today than doing this. ughlio i dont ever want to get up like this again, but its a part of life to go to bed and be responsible and do the things you need to do to do the things you want to. sgh this growing up and learning stuff, it gets me every time. who wants machine pop tarts for breakfast? not me really, but that id the option, what ever is in that machine will be my breakfast, ok so here i go, to the day im so tired of i just want to sleep, no more worrrk!!!

Monday, April 21, 2008

i told you to be to kind

the clock is ticking but i cant sleep. come on, let me in. there are too many things i try to controll or fix. idk what time im going to be able to get to sleep. it bugs me that i dont know, and that somehow i might be at the root of the problem. the reality of the whole situation is that we all need to grow up a little more. i cant fix everyone and i have to learn to accept it. time is still going to tick by, but once and a while we should all come back. who will love you? i think thats the ultimate question. we all love the idea of love or a relationship, but not the reality. its so much to risk getting hurt in the first place not many people want to anymore, i think my music is too loud for 2 am. the idea seems nice and maybe the feeling of someone close or to lean on but not the downs or fights. mostly i think i was just searching for someone that was going to be there, and the truth is not anyone can be there all the time, its just you kid. we can all change our clothes and our hair but truly when it comes right down to it, we don't change that much in the core. the truth is harder to face then your own lies.

i hate the words "but they dont know". who are we hiding ourselves from? its been a really cold night and idk anymore. i past the point of anger and ventured into this new place. how does it seem that the only time things happen is when i complain or make them. it dosent have to be for me, its for you or everyone. there are alot of secrets in life, and i have many of my own. there isnt truly one person who knows every little detail, i think the time had long past of those days. were only one person. i dont hide things, i just dont say them. how nice it must be to hear that, such reassurance. i know its break point time, lets just let it pass, hey tomorow im going back to school wow crazy time. yay for talking and explaining everything we want to in person, and for movies we just talk threw, yay. i miss you already.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

i shouldn't have to spell my name

Its always a struggle to find the fit, you can tell yourself one thing but you always feel another. I'm a sucker for things and people that are out of reach somehow. Somehow i made it back to the place for sleeping but i cant, isn't that how its supposed to go? but then in your non sleeping way you have something great to wind up doing, well its wrong. staying up alone is as good at eating a Popsicle that tastes like its been made with shit. i would go out but its closing time and its not the same anymore, and things cant ever been in a state of constant ok. i cant look at those books of the past and feel fulfilled. its just one snap shot into a life full of questions less than perfect feelings. why did you have to call, and why do you have to be so mad at nothing, its just the way things go. it seems like sometimes i don't even fit into my own life never mind someone else's. what have i created here. one things for sure im not as fucked up as my predecessors yet.... yet being the word that throws off that whole sentance. there is still time. and i want my grades your fuckers you cant update the site right now. and its been two hours and i still cant sleep, i know im deeply fucked now

Friday, April 18, 2008

the weight of my words, you cant feel it anymore

Have i ever been conceded? i wish you really did know what it was. i wish you knew what i saw in the mirror looking back. if you think for one minute that what you said is then you cant see anything other than yourself. wasted tears and known fears, such wasted time. learning more than i could have ever wished has lead to this consequence. is it lonely wanting something other than what you have, or the restraint of your own feelings because of someone else's? sometimes i wish you weren't so blind to your own misconceptions of reality. its so easy to blame me for both things. Things you can't see in the morning you can see in the afternoon.

Monday, April 14, 2008

twist your head around, its all around you, all is full of love?

ive got to say its been a very draining week. certain things just haven't been ok, but you know the grassy knoll made things ok again at least for a while like you said i wasn't planning on seeing missy today and i was in a very bad mood till i did. but the knoll made things better again, or maybe it was missy. i wont ever know. its safe to say that it wasn't ok and that its not a matter of if anymore or just how. we talked it out alot. somedays you just need that. im sort of really drained like i dont think i can cry anymore at this point. my back hurts from moving boxes and im tired all day long. maybe crying like that does that to you, drains you for days. its cold again and this room is full. i dont want to talk anymore that really did hurt, and you dont even know it, or you do and i dont care anymore. ive got nothing inside anymore. and its never been like that. is my soul on hold, or did a little piece of it die?

square peg round hole, i made it a round square but eventually squares go back to squares.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

and it came to me then thats ever plan is a tiny prayer to father time

im so tired but i cant sleep anymore. what the fuck. how could you have done that. how could you have sat their and let me cry. how could you say that and then shake her hand. it seems like the truth is something hard to handle, but im not sure if ill ever get over it. since when has it been that way. youlet me cry and you didnt even care. no wonder i want to move away or go to a job where i dont have to deal with any of this anymore. and then i come home to get yelled at for a dvd that i didnt even move. i dont want to go to work in the morning. its mental break down time. i know it. how could you come downstairs and tell me it was my fault? now i cant sleep and its 2 in the morning. i just dont get it. i really want to get away from this because its sucking the life out of me. i really just want someone to tell me its all going to be alright from now on. i havent cryed like this in a long time. i do really want to go back to school on sunday night and leave sheenas house at ten becuase i dont want to sleep here anymore. even in the empty room it might feel better than this. so im not allowed to use anythign donwstairs anymore and thats not even a dramatizarion. i need this all to stop. i still cant stop it and it kills.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

im way fucked the end
this wont be a problem anymore.

two way monologue

why did you come to my party. thinks are so fucked up. like whyyyyyy, i dont get why you linger on my shoulder. i dont get it at all. this bundel of questions have been going on for much too long. much much to long. really its stupid. this is stupid even writing about it.brittany is on the phone. there was too much vodka in that cup, i havent been watching sex in the city really fir the last two eposodes. im thirsty

Thursday, April 10, 2008

"if you press this button it makes a button hole" " dose it cut the hole" " why do you ruin everything"

i have 3 boxes and my life here is going to fit into them. right now I'm packing up my first year at university and well its been good its been bad and I'm going to miss this room. I'm going to miss living with maggie and fighting and dinners with her, I'm going to miss my homework with corey and how we just made fun of eachother to make the work more bearable. im going to miss this place. i have a whole pile of memorys here and it all ends tonight. im going to miss you guys. its just another page in the book. new things will come soon enough and for now, this means its summer time.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

so much for bed at 7:30 tonight. sigh. i knew one day it would catch up with me. really i know its just an excuse to get mad, and punish me. the only true reason you dont like me is becuase you cant control me. you know when i look back at all my great memories somehow your never in a part of any of them. i dont even think were talking anymore. have fun never seeing me because i hate you. and you remember the day you said it was your house and if i didnt like it i could leave? yeah i remember that private conversation too. and you know what. thats the reason i went and lived at school my first year. life isnt as hard as it seems, you only make it that way. im glad you had fun making yourself stay up till i came home, becuase you fucked yourself over for work, and its sort of an accomplishmant. really you have to get over it, becuase it was an accident. but not really at all, thats just what im telling you.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

i hope to learn as time goes by

all of a sudden im afraid, i shivered. what if i cant do it ? then what? so ok im in the library in my cubical just like looking for a job and their is this lady who wont shut up so this other lady goes over and tells her to be queit or to go outside. so whatever bitch fest over. i think i have the worst headache in a long time. i just really want to go to bed but their is no time till tonight. ive got to love the situation ive gotten myself into. who does this. not sane people thats who. ive got ten minutes and 40 dollars can you get me out of this state of mind?

Sunday, April 6, 2008

their is a girl out their with love in her eyes and flowers in her hair

so maybe im not the samrtest person, but you know what it was fine. somehow 3's always work better than 4's. mu mouth is dry again, what happened to my promise. i have to be at work for my shift in 50 minutes anf i just got out of bed. the more i think about it the more ive decided that it dosent fucking matter anymore. thats not me being blunt thats the truth. its really not a big deal. what i really want is to open the doors to something else. i can still see it though, somethings are just a little bit idk strange. its what i really want. ok time to go back to reality where i have a job... and have to wash the car today and get all my stuff ready for packing. idk how things go by so fast.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

its not about it anymore

its been a while since ive looked at everything in this. what keeps me up at night is what haunts me. tomorrow means everything, and im not ready. sometimes i wish days like Thursdays didn't exist anymore. its hot and im cold, im thirsty, dirty and tired. its time for limits and i know it. why do i screw myself over week after week its times like these i just wonder if i had chosen to do something completely differently i know things would be alright. ill never know. really and truly i have to learn to accept that.

these feet carry me far, oh my body oh so tired, mouth is dry , holy spirt rise in me, ill take everything in this life, ill join everyone when i die

i dont know what really is going today, but im really calm. things get better and when i look at everything its ok. my eyes are so tired, its really just the machitatto from 9 am this morning keeping me alive. ill have to get a regualr cup later on. today is just a study day, and also a writing papers day, but its sunny outside and i feel like just listening to bradley hathway. its strange to be knowing im leaving this place to not come back in a few days. its just another change.

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

i hope this song will guide you home

i hate how people can think they are better than i am. who gives you the right, when really you dont know what your talking about anyways. i still have a mountian of work to do tonight. idk what to do either thats the thing. im still tired. its a circle within my head, spinning and questioning. i never did know. i dont know what im doing but its compleetly stupid.

why did you sing with me at all

i dont know how much more i can get. its just like you said it, life goes easy on me most of the time. i just dont feel that great. im trying to well up everything and its just not working, i need more sleep and more food, and more water. ive got a big pile of laundry that is calling my name for later. maybe i can avoid maggie some more today, the thing is i know if i was alone i wouldnt like it but the point that im not means i want to be. idk i need to do aot of things tonight, their is no more room for messying things up. idk anymore i really dont, i think i need to decided between my needs and other peoples for once nad go with mine, but its not working out. call me home. call me home.