Monday, March 31, 2008

how much do you bet if i tryed hard enough i would spontanioulsy combust

i don't know what it is about right now, maybe too much Grey paint. maybe its the trash thats bagged up waiting for me to take it out to the dumpster that i didn't put out. did i try hard enough? these are the days for breaking down. i think i'm coming undone. its sunny outside and im still cold. its just one of those days. really someone come save my life, maybe one day ill sleep when i die. i just dont get it all right now. why is it swallowing me. you can see it in my face. you ask are you ok, and i say yeah what are you talking about, when really you know and it scares the fucking hell out of me. im starting to show? is that how bad things have gotten. i want to know so badly. please make it stop. cant i just stop breathing just for a while.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

is it in the plan?

Their are things i wish i never found out about. i don't even think you would have let me know. i cant wait for something that wont ever happen. their aren't any more questions. what always can fix things is here comes the sun. as much as i want to believe i wont do special things because i know, i know also i wont be able to stop myself. its been two weeks. i really couldn't tell you what i wanted anyways. sometimes i drive the long way home, just so i can have time to think. its like sometimes i have to be better than you. how is it im exhausted till i hit this bed, then my mind powers back up, to think about all the things i dont want to.

Friday, March 28, 2008

bennie and the jets

trying to figure everything out is much to complicated. my feelings and emotions arent complex, or i would like to think. i sometimes still fall back into old habits. and im not proud of what my brain does. i just listen to sufjan in the grass, and it makes life seem less harsh. i wish i could remeber just how it felt, just for a second without a fog.

fear is my demise

right now seems to be one of those moments when it makes sense, almost everything. summer is around the corner and once again change is on its way. i cant believe i have one week left of my freshman year here. time flew by. i want to go to the park, the thing is the rationalization does not fix things, and i wish it did. i tell myself every time, but it wont stick. when they said last summer would be my last childhood, i didn't believe them. but it was true, my last dash at it. things are so uncertain right now, still even with security i am questioning everything. i dont know what to do, and its as if i am stuck in a corner. sometimes i wonder if you can really see threw everything, because i cant hold it back. its not something i want to do, it just starts and i don't realize till afterward. and my stomach is turning thinking about it. i think you do know exactly what i want out of this. i cant breath anyways, and i cant change it.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

were all just waiting to die

tonight is just one of those nights where i cant sleep, idk what it is about it, but you just want to curl up and go to bed, but th loneliness all of a sudden gets to you, and eats you alive. i saved a total of 5 dollars and 8 cents according to the bill from the grocery store on my bed side table. i can laugh but reakky its not coming form the insides anymore. must i always be playing the fool, ill do the dance and sing the song, but really i cant be playing your fool. tonight just isnt mean for sleeping i don't think. they wont stop talking in the other room, but really my music just blocks it out somewhat. what if i did want to be that happy person i always wanted to be. what if i wasnent tired anymore, or was healthy? i admit im hard to handel but every dog has his day, sometimes i just wonder why. and then figure it out, i wish they would cut it out with the ball, the coughing just wont stop, and i just want to go to bed for once

i lost a friend somewhere allong the bitterness

I've been evaluating for a while, and you know i was so scared if i did something wrong, i might ruin everything, but the truth is i shouldn't have been afraid at all. i really didn't need you or do those things to keep things the way they were. and really i cant believe what happened. the day i said that no matter what you coudl always come back, and id be their, well its not true anymore. sure i cant change the things that did happen but its really just a hurt i wont be able to fix. i cant really say where things are going to turn up, or how our lives will go on, but ive done it before, just last time i was the one leaving, and maybe i did leave you for the road to other things, but you knew it would happen. its just sort of a shame is all. im feeling pretty sick and just want to sleep alot, who knows where we'll go or who we might meet but i know from now on, its me kid, even though you promised

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

summer beats

good morning, i think today it was the easyest to get up than i have even experinced before. i finished my show 45 minutes ago, and of course i fucked up, but its always funny, so whatever. im waling up from a nap my body colapsed into. i want food like no ones business. and idk why . im getting sick again, and really idk what kind.

Monday, March 24, 2008


today is the start of something new, i can really describe why but i think ill just use two, if you were smart or good enough to find this blog good for you. I'm tired its 3:18 and the only reason i came on here again was to check the side effects and warnings of some pills I'm currently on for chronic bronchitis. m getting my anxiety back all of a sudden and its one of the side effects allong with a few terrible others ive been getting. i need to go to bed, i have to be up in 5 hours to take the next dose of these pills