im awake. i just saw the best movie so far of the year. im very confused right now. like more than i have been in a long time. im not reading, or searching , or at least im trying my hardest not to. i dont know what to think or what i want. i do know what i want, but im still afraid. i think im at the point again where i just know. here we go again, im going to try to turn my brain off this beaten path. im tired of trying to figure out everything, and it dosent matter really. it dosent matter at all. i love admitting that, It dosent matter at all. im getting to the point of resting, work again.... lol as my life.
Ive found myself looking too far into things. somehow i get to wraped up in the small stuff and forget what really matters to me and in my life. i have these stores but thye are all about the same people, what can that tell me? i actually cant wait for school to start again!! my school is small but i know it and really love it, no matter what people want to say. best album of today is the photo album, so good. things are so intense and i have no idea how im going to get everything done this week. i dont think they are going to sell single day pass's. i need a vehicular, one that dosent eat my money like fire and paper. pulling back did what it was suposed to, it came back and was fine.
i think you find all the things tha are wrong when you tell them to someone else, and wow. its been a few crazy months and as much as i think they were good alot of bad things have happened and ive been hurt. all those hurt things are alot, just tell me you care.
Nico Take it slow Show me that you care And love's not just a flare on my sleeve Sleep well, I pray that cardboard boxes, Set the perfect stage. 'Cause wood grain makes all man made things seem so out of date Life is not a play, it's what we Make of the people we love.
Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch So why, why, why, why, oh, why Are you quick to kiss? She bites at blades and leaves God damn you shrubbery Well I’m sick of vanity plays Should we move to the UK? 'Cause life here in the states has escaped All the people above us. What we make of those people we love
Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch So why, why, why, why, why Are you quick to kiss? Baby, maybe I spoke too soon I’ll touch you once you make the first move Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch
I watch her as she runs My mother jumps the gun She puts her in her arms That is just like my mom Never lets go, never lets me grow old I wanna pay her back But love is nothing you can tax My family’s not rich by any means But I feel we won the lottery, that day The rock swallowed the girl And I cried as cameras caught my eyes My tears turned into butterflies They fly away as caskets close A new day comes you’ll wake unfold Smile when you feel the sunlight You feel the sunlight You feel the sunlight
Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch So why, why, why, why, why Are you quick to kiss? Baby, maybe I spoke too soon I’ll touch you once you make the first move Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch, oh Snails see the benefits The beauty in every inch
i just see all the bad things and it dosent make me want it, i see whats going on and its easy to let lost in the sea of fun. you just want what you cant have, and i just lyed but its true, i cant come. ive spoken too soon, becuase i already did make the first move. im stuck on you when their are so many others. and in other ways in dissaponted in others, what i would do for you isnt something you'd do for me.
review and now i forgot what it was like to get pumped up for a show. unrealistic things have been drifting, and whoa more insane dreams. ive got to get my news, and write it out on the pad, ive got to charge this laptop, ive also got to stop thinking. i went out today with Rebbecca and it just dort of reinforced how different we are now compared to the past. the only way i can make sure a playlist fits is if its too loud. ive got to listen to the whole thing arranged a few times. its devine how things have changed. i dont know what to do in this whirl wind of situations. im afraid again. really afraid. and so what i guess i didnt know what i was saying but still. and ive got the van all day tomorow and ive got to get up at 6 am, leave at 6:55 get gass, fun times, pick up missy, get food, go to the studio, get pumped< yes that is in their> finish show 20, then go record show 21 while i write up our preposal becuase missy does the music for the second one, then after that hour go and do our demo. yar then drive back to aldy or langley. eventually langley .eat lunch and call maggie, were suposed to be doing soething if her job dosent call her in, i bet it will be sushi and oh man i hate the van but whatever its independince for now. the thing only eats gas like a kid could eat candy if it had unlimited supply. i really need to take my mind off this. my rooms almost clean and idk. i think alot of things arent going so well. i wish i had all the answers or you would talk. and then i also wish other things could get better. im on my wn for dinner too i guess, its monday ugh i dont get paid for another 2 days. and i have to go find a new dress and shoes for sex in the city. the finance office said another few days before they get our things in the mail, then maybe once it comes i can get my tattoo.
here we are, back at square one. i think I'm at square one in alot of ways. right now I'm feeling the lighter side. my rooms light and the things in it are, I'm going to try not to look too far ahead or anything. the things we come across in life are not permanent. i kind of wish i didn't know. too much going on. it was nice not to have a huge plan for today. back to work on thursday. i cant read anyones mind and it seems the closer i get to things the farther they seem to drift away. normaly soon i hope. or at least summer. i have the what if'ing im not going to do it anymore. i cant deal.
so here we are, i think i have an ear infection, or else my sinus's are fucking insane, its a fucking leather jacket and moth UGHHHHH BRITTANYS PLAYING WOW IN THE FUCKING TENT< SHE SAID "THE BLOOD PALODIN INVITES ME TO DO A QUEST BUT I CANT IM ON A ROUGE QUEST" no fucking wow in the tent, what are we going to do when we really do go camping. i know if i puked right now it would be blue and red. why. how am i not drunk yet. were challenging it. tegan and sarah and tomorow was suposed to be death cab , fuck my life. and tegan and sarah ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh im so unhapppy about that. and the cars are super loud. we had to screm over one, i guess thats what i get fr living and my yard backing onto 208th. ugh things in life are frusterating. tooo much sugar . V is for vodka it says and apparently im a dumb ass
I think things did work out the way they were suposed to. I'm not just saying that their. i think for real it was for the best what did happen. im so tired ad i havent gotten home at 3 for a long time. im so tired but so much was talked about. and why did we buy the game of ultimate survival. fucking wings and driving to surry and then getting lost but being found. i cant tell what it is but its warm its like im home and not afraid. i see things but those things dont mean the things they used to, other than the brest's thing that was just odd. i ust fellasleep thinking so i guess its time to turn in, whoo camping!!
i dont know how this happend , i dont know here to start, ive watched my life go by me in the driver seat to my car, i could cry on the way to work and back and no one whould even know, i could hold the sign saying that im not ok , everyones glues to their cell phones. the water in this town tastes like sin. i went to the funeral and got that utra sound. saying good bye is hard, for me it just feels like im not going to see you again for a long time. maybe its that someone so close hasnt gone yet for death so seem real. im so afraid of you all dying. brittany understands. sometime i wish that it didt have to happen. its just like i neglect to see you and someone else has moved into your house. its hard being in a group of people when you realize that unless something goes wrong your probably going to see every last one fo them die. its hard to see the tears in the eyes of people you love so much. people you hate and love all at once. like that lady who came into safeway one morning and we telling me about how my job wasn't fair and i told her life wasn't going to be fair and she told me that i was right that her daughter with brain damage was going to die and that life wasn't fair. its true life cant go the way we want it to. and its not fair not everything can work out and maybe we can all become better people along the way. im going to miss everything about you. from my heart to yours their is all of this distance. i would catch all my tears in glass jars untill their was a fire becuase they are bound to happen.
i dont now how much longer i can pretned. i dont want anyone who says or even writes things like that. what was i thinking. i wish i could do something else. she says i dont really want it, but i do i just am to afraid to look. i wish their was a quick fix and that sometimes i didnt want to think about it. knowing only givs me the power to want to do it. ive felt this way before, and ive beat it. im stuck in reverse. i dont want to bt its like i would want to know who reeally cares. ive sat in this room and cryed my self to sleep but the time for that is over.
the thing is i dont know where my phone is but i havent been exactly looking for it. maybe i dont want to findout whats behind it. tears might stesm down my face when i loose soemthing i cant replace but maybe i can feel it.
and i ask how are you to hundereds of people a day but really when i come home the only people i want to actually know is the people i ask when im off shift. i will try to fix you
so im awake and your asleep. i want to make animal pancakes! time off wow ok so yesterday was a whirl winds and i was so tired by the end of it. it hurts again and im afraid. bottem of the barrel im going to start calling it. no sun today and idk about anything. somepeople need to get off their trip and give us a call. since when was this possible? i feel fucking sick though. and its for the bad reason not the good one. like i saod before pancakes!!! and upwords. bottem of the barrel is right becuase i cant swim up even for a while when i do or i think i do, i stay their with some sunlight and then it gets dark again. i had this dream last night abotu somehow brittany was dating this male model and jessica henkle was with me and brittany andwe were in new weest partying in a club and such and a whole bunch of things happened and we were drinking on the street when the sun came up and had to walk down to the train trackes where i hid my car. i guess it was a long night that somehow turned itno a one year later thing and the boyfriend of brittany was like you dumped me. and somehow threw it all i was still aloneno real th0ught of it it was sort of natural. and in this one year later scemen jessika was way less annoying and their were less men but we still drank till the sun came up. anf then somehow i was god to drive to the planitarium where we wanted to show sheena this video we made that she never commented on, and i exlaned sheenas rashional about itwhich ade alot of sance ans somehow the yais became a red honda civic from the 90's. long story short it was weird!
i cant deal. where did my world end and this black hole begin. i just don't understand why everything gets so fucked up. like am i the only one who sees threw it or am still to stuck. im sick of wanting all these things i can never have. ill never learn. if i couldn't up all my demons theird'd be one for everyday. its like nothing i can ever do will be good enough, even in this darkness. tell me life can be easy and that in the end ill be happy, becuase right now that isnt happening. we have all been here before. i wonder sometimes if i was a diffrent person that life would be diffrent even if i had made all the same decisions. and why its it 4th one out now. i thougth the 3rd person gets shafted not the 4th and why why why is it that you can be so nice to me when no ones around but then as soon as were with everyone else you are the biggest asshole ever. and why did i have to tell you my deepenst thing is one day. becuase its all a fucking lie. its all a lie. its the thing i wont do and then you go. you dont repect my religion feelings or anything, i dont see how any of this is going to work out
how can you look at a picture and not see the whole thing. maybe its the backround that really shows whats going on, someimes i feel like this most i will ever know about people is in the backrounds of their photos. its your secrets. sometimes i cant deal with the quiet and i think i have to leave for a while. i womdern how many times it takes to escape to finally get it right, when i think about it i think abotu not comming here for days at a time but then where would i be. its not like talking is getting me anywhere. i just need to be away from it all.
what time is it you may ask well its 1:37 and what time do i start work? 7:30 am!!!! ding ding ding if you figured it out im not going to get barely anysleep. ive got about an inch of fucking room left and im sick of it. my stomach hurts and i dont want to eat anymore. so we went out for dinner at ten an then went and saw prince caspian. interseting. im fucking tired, and i wish i didnt have to go to work tomorow. maybe tomorow things mihgt be in a better perspective, sleep time now!
depicting my thoughts on an unmade bet is the story of my life. its like really as much as things seem to change, they dont. in the end were all the same people not matter what mould weve tryed to fit our misshapen selves into. how do you know in one moment whats right, or what might be right in the imedite future. some words are better not spoke in more than one setting. i guess when it boilds down to it im the one who's responsible. this room is a mess and i never feel like cleaning it. im so tired of the comments, it takes everything not to care. i have alot of parts of me that need to be read between the lines. wow i was so surprised i found a typo in a book yesterday. somehow for something so simple i was so happy. maybe that means im over comming it. im the river
i think i should have figured this out by now. comming home still half drung at 6:30 is never good. youd think becuase i was getting better i would have like to keep it that way, well my wants get bigger than my needs and i wanted to. so now im stuck, i took my pills but they arent working . its 6 30 and i got about 20 mintes of sleep with dayton sleeping half on top of me. he shells and wanted to lick my face the whole time so i cant say it was so resting. how is today going to work, i want to brush my teeth. im going to be screwed for tomorow. im also done so very done with putting up with your needless bull shit and everything that goes with it. so im stiling here trying to be ok and not get so mad ill puke. how can just one person be so rude and hatefull. why cant you ever just shut up. its right and every one is i cant do it i just cant tell you yet. everyone but you three know. and the pregnant jokes have to stop. time to go try to fix this even though its almost irapareable.
so im sitting here in our front room becuase its cold in here and im too warm. my hair is striaht but in a pony tail with one bobby pin. im not to sure why all the details matter. but the apples in the bowl in here are very green. my face is hot. i havent put on any mak eup today an if feels sort of strange, not to care. im in classic sydney right now, brown hoodie red shirt thread belt, thos jeans and socks.i guess the socks arent so normal but its cold and hot. im sort of ansy. i want to go buy candels but i dont want to actually go out but i should the store is going to close if i dont. i just dont want my face to be hot. what if brittany was right in the worst way. brandon fettback where ther fuck did my brain pull that out of. idk but it was so strange and we were going to a native complex to fold lotto cards wich were a mox between the safeway cards like how you tear them and then like our time cards but they were all for the native lotto. but it was fucking weird. my hands sort of want to finger dance to such great hights every time i hear it. car dancing on the way to white rck thats all i can remember with this song. i just need to get over it and now its been 5 months. i really dont get it. at least you wont be around tonight is all im glad for. candels and card thats all i can think about and my face is so hot but my feet are so cold. i feel the glass agaisnt my cheek but i cant see you in the light. sigh
ive barley even got the energy to speak anymore. the office called me today to say they wanted more blood work. i cant even cope. and its frustrating i cant even have one second without it... ive got nothing and it feels like my body is trying to give up. that pain i used to get its permanent now. i just want to sleep all day and then the time when im not sleeping i want to be even when its not possible, my back hurts too from being stuck here all the time. ive got none. im sorry. i cant do it. and work ha they hate me becuase i dont come in , i just want to know whats wrong so i can try to fix it. my phone is dead and im not charging it. i want to wear something else but i cant go upstairs to get that done. im hunched over on the coutch but its not helping and even when i am drugged up i can still feel the pain its just a numbed kind of pain.
id really like to know what the fuck is going on and why this has to be happening. you know i only want to get better and i thouht i was but then there it came again i threw up everthing. im actually really worried this sisnt liek anything ive ever had before and it lasts all night and keeps me from sleeping and makes me sick. i just cryed last night because i just want to go back to being normal. i canr eat anything i cant go out i cant. im really worried about these results comming back and what they might mean. im afraid really afraid. as much as i feel like fucking ive been dragged behind a car, i still will do almost anything for other people. i wish sometimes this was a movie and that maybe it could have stopped when i was still ok. it would have been a good movie up till now. and i havent been complaning here about it but its comming up soon and i ust dont want to feel like this everynight and have to spend time puking.
why is it whenever you want soemthing it dosnet want you and as soon as your finishes it comes back for love. ugh my cat proves this hypothesis correct. at 4 am after going back to sleep i had these crazy dream fantasy's. where my real feelings just were out their and i was going to act on them. somehow i thought i could have a relationship without actually having to have an emotional connection. and with someone i wouldn't be with becuase that doesn't happen. idk what my sleep brain was thinking and then we all were snowboarding and i had white snow boarding pants but i almost lost the keys to the yaris and we were all on anymore even though i dont snowboard. and the other night i had giant hands. idk whats up with my dreams. and im afraid of this pain, and what it could mean
max has this crazy personality. he only really comes to me when hes sad or my moms gone which makes him sad. right now hes stairing at me till i look at him then he looks away. then he goes to sleep. he dosent like the music loud. ive spent another day at home, and apparenty i got a bunch of bakery shifts for the first week of june. i really dont know what to do. now hes really asleep. im in my sick room, and i bought a xylophone today. i also saw conrad at value village when i was buying it. i must have looked silly, but oh well. he looked sort of dishevled as ushual bt we didnt really talk, it was strange just out of nowhere. i want tomake these cookies from that old sesamy street book, its the cookie monster's recipe, and those cookies are so good. tomorow ill go to work, at least try. we all live in glass houses really, if you think about it. everything can be taken away or smashed in no time. but every one acts like we dont. i think max is sick. but hes just old now i guess. he dosent want to play all the time when i try. ive had the stragest dreams and i only know they are strange, i cant remember them, something about giant hands
ok so heres the deal im so hungry but anytime you put food in front of me i cant eat it im so thirsty but its so hard to drink i havent been this sick like this way in a long time. i hate throwing up like alot i see the things you dont im really hungry right now and didnt go to work today were going to get some ukraninan food which i hope i can eat this blog didnt go so much like i planed but whatever ugh
ugh i feel like shit. i woke up at 3 and had to come downstairs to get some pills. then all of a sudden i was about to puke and i was. i had dreams my bed was work, and that i had to sleep at work and my pillow was a bag of flower. i still feel really sick. it all comes down to the point where your all the same no matter how much you really might think your different. this whole planning business is stressing me out and the point where it all comes down to me is even harder. im missing the alternate. were going to get together later in the month but its true im missing alot of people i got so used to seeing everyday. im just treading water here. missy was right i think it is this nasty secret mean streak. oh well. i guess its all about you. its central and i sort of want to go to the coqutlem river soon. on like a hot day. i sort of just want to give up and not go. and he vertdict is that im not impressed by much. im sorry your loss ive tryed
lessons of the day -Don't piss your mother off when shes waiting for the fundrasing partner who is obviously more important that you are -Don't mix coke and cream cheese or you will want to die. -Don't hit your feet on hard items that hurt like fans. -Don't go to bed at 1 am when you have to be up at 6 -Dont drive to the gas station with the emergency break on becuase the brakes will smoke -Learn what the red light means -Dont eat candy after slimy sandwiches still make you feel sick -Don't eat slimy sandwiches - listen to the death cab record today becuase its on the leak -When your going to the video store take your wallet with the id in it or go to the one that knows you -
i think about everythign alot, and i also am thinking about how i have to be up in 6 hours on the hour drive to school. why do i go back, and have to get up at 6 am? idk im crazy. i have alot of feelings swirling inside, and alot of the time im mad. i cant wait for this may trip, june camping. my throat is starting to hurt more, and my stomach less. i dont really know what to do anymore. i dont know how much ive got left. one more month. it will be ok. coreys comming back at the end of the month, its going to be good. i love how its my mom s birthday comming soon and also mothers day. its too hot in these blankets. i cant ask why anymore. its more like a how. idk what i missed out on but it wasent everything. its time for rest and im going to hate myself in the morning. and where did all of my clothes go to? like really i cant find anything. its the warp hole laundry room. i hate buying gas also. what time do they even open at in the morning and which one do i go to. whatever ill get gas in aldergrove. you'd think if you stopped responding to someone about their birthday they would stop when your not friends to beginn with. ive also got this huge decision to make. but really im wondering if i already have twice over and now if its fixable. i think im back to where i started. the finish line was out front and now ive got to run another lap. its like the things i cant fix have been at the same place for a long time and ive lost touch with them. i guess in 4 minutes its going to be tuesday and it hard becuase i dont recall what day my game is. i think tuesday so tomorow. lets hope to hell that this drama everywhere can end. i hope i find a better job that the one im leaving. i just need for everything to be alright. but im afraid that wont happen. im going to have to get up. i want to go to a lake. how do i take a mini vacation from my vacation. and i have no idea whats eating my money. idk at least i saved a hundred and fifty bucks last week. it all has to go to gas for sasqach. my grandparents leave for grece in a week, and i guess ive got to figure everything out my nose is hurting. why do i do things i dont want to. i feel like 45 becuase my back hurts like alot everyday. ughhhhhhloooooooooooo sigh
its replaceable and im not the favortie anymore whatever harold and kumar my ass. im sick of it. and michells on saturday night. who knows friday, and the rest inbetween is work time.
im so sick and tired of the same conversation over and over again. why do i get no repect at all, when you assume that you should be treated with so much, thats it from now on in, ok i have no respect for you or your nosie issues. so when i get up next saturday for work nice and early ill remeber to turn up the volume on the sterio in my room. or hey next time next weekend ill get up at 6 just for you and turn on music becuase i had things i needed to do, and somehow that requires loud music that wakes your from your sleep. i dont see why i have to keep having this its my house rule. well if its your house its my room, and you know what you've done it once and you'll do it all over again. your pushing me out that door with everything you have in you. this is so stupid. so i guess ill just stay in my room. the funny think about mom is that she thought maybe cable would help this out, but i hate my job and i hate living here with him. with you guys becyase you didnt ask him to turn it down. your going allong with the plan. sometimes i hate you both so much its not even funny. i just want to leave
so i know the only thing im going to think abotu at wrk today is going to suck ass. ugh. idk its too much, like idk. just pissing me off like alot. it really dosent even matter. like right now its even talking over my brain. lets get it on track and just make it threw today. monday ill do it. you'd think i would know but i dont, and as things seem to get much better on one end other things take a big turn for the worse. its crazy how much thngs have changed but my attiduteds are still the same. i do miss being a kid, and i miss adventuring, lets just say i guess i miss last year. thats just how life goes i supose
i guess things never work out the way its planed.it seems like the closer i get the more i drift. its really all about perspective and that i won let myself get hurt and thats the reason i get home at 1:32 and write a blog. i started looking where i knew their were lingering dead things, but the truth is maybe i sis warp things. i never can know whats going on but what i do know is one thing for sure, it dosent matter anymore, any of it. it doesnt matter if you stay if you go, it dosent matter how i feel or whats going on, it just dosent. my feet smell like basement and wood chips and i cant say it was worth it. i know im drifting into the ulitamte unknown with this plan. i think i need to cry about this but the tears wont come out anymore. i try to tell people things but then really thry dont want to hear about it or just change the topic. the reason i have to quit safeway is becuase it makes me so incredibly depressed and it makes me not want to get up in the morning or come home at night. i wish sometimes someone could be their for me, but its true we only have one person and its you. i dont know how many times i need to realize this before it gets to be an real real thing. i wonder when i can ever find real happyness or im ive just sort of aceppted being alone. i dont let it out anymore, because really it makes life easyer. my mouth is dry from too much sugar and i need to go back to the depressant in the morning. its just like what did i expect. a hug? an its been a while? a would you _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. i guess i did or maybe even _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. i wonder if taking them this time would help or if it would make me less sad all the time. ive just lost yet again. i really wish i could fucking cry becuaase then maybe it would mean it could be over. i also listened to this other song today that i couldnt listen to for certian reasons and it was good, i wonder if that smile that comes out is real happy or just slight becuase i fel like a fcking retard if im not happy around all of you. i just dnt know how you think that wouldnt hurt me? whatever its just anohter shot. i guess ill ust take it untill i cant anymore and ill blow up, because gettting over that was so hard, and i dont know if i could ever go threw that again. i coudnt.
my feet feel like they want to eat my whole body, thats what happens when they get no rest. so it also tunrs outi plled the tendon in my thumb which was goos times at work today. im listening to death cab and finaly just like realxing. i think its nice. no baseballl till sunday work at 2 tomorow. idk things seem ok. its hard not to do those things in my head, but really its worth it not to. i finally got some laundry done and im so happy about it. so ive got this ht tensor bandage on till i go to the clinic later or in the morning, whichever, and of course was pay day so yeah. i should probaby pick up the stubs sometime soon, i was thinking today of quitting right after sasquach and it seems like a good idea. i hate working thir all the time, i dont know if i can ast much longer if i do, so tomorow is the 2nd so if i jut say i cant work after the 24th it will work out nicly, and i can lok for anohter job for the beginning of july, and so what if i dont right away, meh ts only life. or atleast a stupid job anyways.