everything will be alright, if you just stay the nihgt

i guess things never work out the way its planed.it seems like the closer i get the more i drift. its really all about perspective and that i won let myself get hurt and thats the reason i get home at 1:32 and write a blog. i started looking where i knew their were lingering dead things, but the truth is maybe i sis warp things. i never can know whats going on but what i do know is one thing for sure, it dosent matter anymore, any of it. it doesnt matter if you stay if you go, it dosent matter how i feel or whats going on, it just dosent. my feet smell like basement and wood chips and i cant say it was worth it. i know im drifting into the ulitamte unknown with this plan. i think i need to cry about this but the tears wont come out anymore. i try to tell people things but then really thry dont want to hear about it or just change the topic. the reason i have to quit safeway is becuase it makes me so incredibly depressed and it makes me not want to get up in the morning or come home at night. i wish sometimes someone could be their for me, but its true we only have one person and its you. i dont know how many times i need to realize this before it gets to be an real real thing. i wonder when i can ever find real happyness or im ive just sort of aceppted being alone. i dont let it out anymore, because really it makes life easyer. my mouth is dry from too much sugar and i need to go back to the depressant in the morning. its just like what did i expect. a hug? an its been a while? a would you _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. i guess i did or maybe even _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _. i wonder if taking them this time would help or if it would make me less sad all the time. ive just lost yet again. i really wish i could fucking cry becuaase then maybe it would mean it could be over. i also listened to this other song today that i couldnt listen to for certian reasons and it was good, i wonder if that smile that comes out is real happy or just slight becuase i fel like a fcking retard if im not happy around all of you. i just dnt know how you think that wouldnt hurt me? whatever its just anohter shot. i guess ill ust take it untill i cant anymore and ill blow up, because gettting over that was so hard, and i dont know if i could ever go threw that again. i coudnt.