Thursday, May 22, 2008

from my heart to yours their is all this distance

i dont know how this happend , i dont know here to start, ive watched my life go by me in the driver seat to my car, i could cry on the way to work and back and no one whould even know, i could hold the sign saying that im not ok , everyones glues to their cell phones. the water in this town tastes like sin. i went to the funeral and got that utra sound. saying good bye is hard, for me it just feels like im not going to see you again for a long time. maybe its that someone so close hasnt gone yet for death so seem real. im so afraid of you all dying. brittany understands. sometime i wish that it didt have to happen. its just like i neglect to see you and someone else has moved into your house. its hard being in a group of people when you realize that unless something goes wrong your probably going to see every last one fo them die. its hard to see the tears in the eyes of people you love so much. people you hate and love all at once. like that lady who came into safeway one morning and we telling me about how my job wasn't fair and i told her life wasn't going to be fair and she told me that i was right that her daughter with brain damage was going to die and that life wasn't fair. its true life cant go the way we want it to. and its not fair not everything can work out and maybe we can all become better people along the way. im going to miss everything about you. from my heart to yours their is all of this distance. i would catch all my tears in glass jars untill their was a fire becuase they are bound to happen.

i dont now how much longer i can pretned. i dont want anyone who says or even writes things like that. what was i thinking. i wish i could do something else. she says i dont really want it, but i do i just am to afraid to look. i wish their was a quick fix and that sometimes i didnt want to think about it. knowing only givs me the power to want to do it. ive felt this way before, and ive beat it. im stuck in reverse. i dont want to bt its like i would want to know who reeally cares. ive sat in this room and cryed my self to sleep but the time for that is over.

the thing is i dont know where my phone is but i havent been exactly looking for it. maybe i dont want to findout whats behind it. tears might stesm down my face when i loose soemthing i cant replace but maybe i can feel it.

and i ask how are you to hundereds of people a day but really when i come home the only people i want to actually know is the people i ask when im off shift. i will try to fix you

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