there is something strange about thinking. i evaluate over and over but the problems dont subside. ever since i stopped going to therapy when i left school, i think i used this place to do the same thing. its not that i didnt want to go anymore ts just i was done school. when we fixed all those things i think it just osrt of made the real problems emerge. im afraid to love someone becuase im afraid they might never love me back. ive got to stop what if'ing everything and just live for here and the future. id like to make music but i cant ever figure the songs out. they are all bunched together and are about five different people and stories. im afraid that if i fail i fail for real. ive never wanted this more, but the more i do the worse these things get. you see i cant have aht i want becuase i dont really want it. if i did i would have done something about it ages ago. im sick of sitting in cars having late night conversatons about things that wont ever happen. im probably the hardst person to deal with. im pushing. and its working. most things make compleet sense afterward. the only downfall to that is that things have to be over for me to get it.