i dont know what i can save you from

im so sick of people telling me what to not choose as a porfession with life. yes i realize everything is hard. you might make it or you might not. i might be wasting my time, i might not. i dont know what to choose and its comming time soon, i know this summer i have to take biology, painting and philosphy, woot. fuck whatever its going to be a bitch with the bio lab and what not. i watched this news story today and this orangatang on its own learned how to whistle and that is so fucking crazy. i feel sick. ugh life stress.

Call me a reckless recking ball

i have so many directionality's it seems. i burnt my inner arm with my straighter tonight and it hurts like a mother fucking bitch. i wish i could rewind becuase ever since this new semester has started i've been unhappy as fuck. work takes up too much time. school work dosen't get done, my grades aren't great becuase i don't do the work. i dont even expect a c on my portfolio midterm becuase i didn't even complete all the color charts needed. i wish i lived in America with a pair of pay less shoes. i wish i could rewind even past when school started. those nights id just go out at midnight to walk around and wind up laying in my lawn listing to music.

im exhausted all the time from running here and their, and doing things for people all day long. my parents are unhappy i wont become a teacher. theirs no where i can go where i don't see pictures of you really. and i think its my mood is effecting things. i wouldn't blame you for not answering me if the tables were turned. Its like ive accomplished so much but i feel like i'm worse off then ever and going no where. now i realize why we get summer off. but now i've committed to this house for the summer so im going to go to school all summer and be ahead credit wise. maybe im mad becuase you'd rather play wow or see a stupid head cog then come over here. or maybe i'm mad becuase it feels like all i do is come to you and you never make an effort to come here anymore. This is the time when i need my other dysfunctional half. becuase you don't understand.

i wish school didnt exsist. i know part of the problem is that i know i have to do this for 2 more years to do almost nothing with it ive convinced myself.

i should have given you a reason to stay

I'm not stoaked on classes tomorrow, why didn't i write my papers? why? fuck I'm fucked. i have all of tomorrow night to do it i guess after art class. and in between during my break i guess ill come home and cook and read my text book. life's depressing it seems. with all the good times it seems like i fall into a pit of wonders when I'm down. i saw telekinesis at Richards on Richards on Friday night and it was really good along with cut off your hands and Ra ra riot. it was amazing and i liked it a lot. their seems i get no middle ground this week, and this whole ticket ordeal has brought back all my old bad habits about locking doors and thinking. the anxiety is really getting to me. things that don't matter matter, things that you don't notice i now do and think every ones judging me for it. i want to go home so badly and pretend this life isnt mine and sleep in my bed and pretend its not like this. i wish i could be a child again. i am guilted around every corner and i don't want my life to be like this anymore. i just ant normal and i had it for so long. i dont want this right now

so today you told me it was silly i didn't have a toothbrush and some of my stuff at your house becuase id have to leave 2 hours early to go home and brush my teeth. its true i dont and i sleep over 2 times a week and i like to have clean teeth but i didnt want to be that girlfriend that just brings that sort of shit over and leaves it. you even noticed the change and i didn't even have to tell you. valentinesday was really great. im not being taken over by the fear. i downloaded lily allen's new album today its good. i cleaned my room tonight after work and ive still got to fold a red load then put it awak and finish finally unpacking my clothes.