how much do you bet if i tryed hard enough i would spontanioulsy combust

i don't know what it is about right now, maybe too much Grey paint. maybe its the trash thats bagged up waiting for me to take it out to the dumpster that i didn't put out. did i try hard enough? these are the days for breaking down. i think i'm coming undone. its sunny outside and im still cold. its just one of those days. really someone come save my life, maybe one day ill sleep when i die. i just dont get it all right now. why is it swallowing me. you can see it in my face. you ask are you ok, and i say yeah what are you talking about, when really you know and it scares the fucking hell out of me. im starting to show? is that how bad things have gotten. i want to know so badly. please make it stop. cant i just stop breathing just for a while.

is it in the plan?

Their are things i wish i never found out about. i don't even think you would have let me know. i cant wait for something that wont ever happen. their aren't any more questions. what always can fix things is here comes the sun. as much as i want to believe i wont do special things because i know, i know also i wont be able to stop myself. its been two weeks. i really couldn't tell you what i wanted anyways. sometimes i drive the long way home, just so i can have time to think. its like sometimes i have to be better than you. how is it im exhausted till i hit this bed, then my mind powers back up, to think about all the things i dont want to.

bennie and the jets

trying to figure everything out is much to complicated. my feelings and emotions arent complex, or i would like to think. i sometimes still fall back into old habits. and im not proud of what my brain does. i just listen to sufjan in the grass, and it makes life seem less harsh. i wish i could remeber just how it felt, just for a second without a fog.

fear is my demise

right now seems to be one of those moments when it makes sense, almost everything. summer is around the corner and once again change is on its way. i cant believe i have one week left of my freshman year here. time flew by. i want to go to the park, the thing is the rationalization does not fix things, and i wish it did. i tell myself every time, but it wont stick. when they said last summer would be my last childhood, i didn't believe them. but it was true, my last dash at it. things are so uncertain right now, still even with security i am questioning everything. i dont know what to do, and its as if i am stuck in a corner. sometimes i wonder if you can really see threw everything, because i cant hold it back. its not something i want to do, it just starts and i don't realize till afterward. and my stomach is turning thinking about it. i think you do know exactly what i want out of this. i cant breath anyways, and i cant change it.