Two years later.

Here it is a letter to you.

I wish you could have seen this earlier. at this point you are bitter about all of the shit that went down and you cant trust anyone. fuck. Here you are a student with all of the opportunity, and you are just exploring life. Little did you know that after graduation things would be terrible both emotionally and economically. You learned your P's and Q's and now you have a arts degree. You are looking for jobs which you are much to over qualified for, but just cant find a job. How ironic.

I think right now I am just hitting a really large rough patch, being unemployed, christmas, and graduated. But look, you went to Europe this summer! If only things were as good as they were in june. How 6 months does something to you.

Look here. Yes at this vague thing. Yeah I know what went on, the jig is up. Did you really think you could escape with that story? confront me about it, or disappear. I FUCKING DARE YOU.

im not sure your ready, and i dont think anything can change. everything hurts and i just dont want to think about this right now

lurking

i feel like i have some sort of insomnia and my throat hurts really bad, i dont want to get sick at all. why cant i sleep. this will all backfire soon.

Flaming

im buring out from school and work. im only taking 3 classes but they are the most intest ive ever been in at once time. second week in and i skipped class this morning. who needs to learn about this Vicksomething psychology man anyways? i dont think im going to be doing this school thing again in the summer. i mean ill say that but i most definatly need the credits, if i want to try to do this on time ish. i just dont want to be past 22 and still be finishing. im not sure what this rush is, i mean i work and go to school with 30 year somethings every day. is it the fact i never want to become them? am i rushing threw my last chance at being able to be reckless and stupid. Once this is over what will i be able to say. i entered university when i was still 17 almost 18 years old and graduates when i was 22? i dont even know what i want to do with my life and im pursuing this. people say you just figure out what you are destined for, and when people of the older persuasion ask me what im going to do when i get out of school, i just tell them be happy. what if this is a waste and i wind up being one of those housewive mother types that goes back to school when shes 46 destined to be a social worker becuase he could never find her passion. im passionate about art, i just dont know what im doing ending my second year with a soc major sometimes. where can art get me? i dont spend enough time painting to do anything with it yet. its an expensive hobby.

ill figure it all out by the time this is over

sigh

i hate you, and your a psycho controlling bitch and thats why your all alone in this world

i had to say it somewhere so i wouldn't say it outloud

i really did love you first, and more then i thought was possible, the other night made me feel more reassured then ever.

my heart will break without you

please.

no one fucking gets it, and im so fucking done.

lol maybe saturday

ive been waiting a long time almost to write something that meant something. yesterday my mom asked me if i was happy happy or just ok happy, i told her i was really happy with the way things are. i wish i could just scratch out school this summer but its ethier work or school or both but in less quantity's. next September is going to be crazy. i am going to be doing 4 to 5 courses and keeping a position at CIVL and somehow keeping a personal life. it was good seeing you tonight. even if i did have blood mouth. im going to go to bed at 2 tonight when i take my next medicine dose so ill be nice and sedated to go to sleep. ive already decided im not doing the whole mural thing tomorow, ill either call chris or my mom will. their is no way i can go and set up scafoding and paint a mural for 5 hours. i removed the work emails from my phone becuase i was sick of always being involved with work, i let it take up a lot of my extra time it dosnt need to. i cant wait to go see a comedy of errors next Wednesday. i have alot of home work to do this weekend. not so much acting but phiolosophy, i really dont get how people liek my boss could choose it as a major, its more complex and unreasonable then mine. im at the exhaustion point where im not tired. and im talking about nothing

im on a train going nowhere

i hate not being able to sleep i think after my next set of pills im going to try, i wish my mouth would just stop swelling, im still avoiding my philosophy homework, it will get done tomorrow and Friday maybe even Saturday. and i have to type up my acting project, and practice. i think this was an unwise time to have gotten this done. whatever what is done is done.

it not easy

fuck this burn and fuck you for laughing so loudly on purpose when i was on an important speaker phone call, i know you do it all for attention

ugh philosophy how i dont like your arguments

ive learned that not everything is going to be perfect, and that's the part i love.

can i please lay down

so long, so very long, lol and i havent even driven to chilliwack to my class. and done that for 3 hours and then drive home. Whats the point in trying to be a good person, when people just fuck you over ether way

im actually scared, and screw it

ill get fucked up

I'm so fucking sick of hearing your voice-mail. get your shit together, maybe you could have sent me an email at least, if your phone died. its up to you now.

walking in the country side, it seems that the winds have stopped, i took down my posters

i remember moments of happiness endless summer and acoustic guitars. things are complicated and im glad i didn't lash out back at you, just stop having to be sorry for things. i wish i was a cast away on a warm ocean waiting for a pourpose to rise. they say its not becomming. i decided not to weat the blazer, but now i just look like every ohter twenty something girl whos into music and got to heavy. dont even try to deny it or say anything becuase im the one who knows me. im not unhappy, just unhappy songs make me happy. in some twisted little world i think that works. my mouth tastes like chicken, and our patterns dont match. ive got a chinese hat in my closet i forgot about. i want to wear sandles, but i know i need to wear shoes. i watched harry potter 5 the other night and i cryed. you know that part when voldomort was possessing harry, but then harry realized he had love in this life, yeah thats the part. lol im so corny. i want you to toughen up. i feel like a little thing, when things go sour, and i loose my voice. i just need time to say what i need to say, even if you try to pretend apologies work as well as you think they do. thing is i forgive everyone, i make everyone feel like whatever they did is ok, and i dont care, i just dont want the drama, and i guess i did it this time too. just makes me think, how much would it really take. thats one line ill never cross again.

wake me up when you come to bed

maybe at least if you have some support to your argument i could actually give you a chance. i should be sleeping, fuck i have to be up early. Tuesday is a weird day for me. im always stuck on my old schedule for a month it seems, till i develop a new one. my texting frustrates the fuck out of me. work is also a pain in the ass. their is no consistancy, im used to things being finished and done, and it just doesn't happen. gotta sleep soon...

im figgin tired

like heaven needs the morning

Here comes that feeling I've seen in your eyes

Back in the old days, before the hard times

But I'm not afraid anymore

It's only a broken heart



I know the place where you keep your secrets

Out of the sunshine, down in a valley

But I'm not afraid anymore

It's only a broken heart



What would I give, to start all over again

To clean up my mistakes



Stand in the moonlight, stand under heaven

Wait for an answer, hold out forever

But don't be afraid anymore

It's only a broken heart



What would I give, to start all over again

To clean up my mistakes



I know your weakness, you've seen my dark side

The end of the rainbow is always a long ride

But I'm not afraid anymore

It's only a broken heart

everything is on fire

im at work and all the computers went down, on joy, its not been the best day at work. tomorow im going to the doctor at ten to get stuff dealt with, and then im seeing stuart. stupid thing is that the forcast for tomorow is rain. only day this week is suposed to rain all day. Yesterday i remebered why i dont wear shirts with cleavge. my facebacomes un noticeable. i went to wash my car at washworld, and the guy was so creepy i decided to leave. i got a new bag. its ok, im not in an impressed mood, and i dont know if its becuase of my lack of vacation fro my own life on tuesdays but im not in the best mood. id rather just have this week done already, lucky for me it pratically is now. this weekend is devoted to my soc paper, oh joy. oh well. at least its not huge huge but still, and im going to have to even bind the stupid thing into a book and do illistrations, and watercolors etc. ugh. NO more school please.